Two Minute Warning

George Carlin used to talk about the 2 minute warning, the voice that told you you had two minutes left to live …



I wake up this morning, like most mornings, to National Public Radio and the news at the top of the hour. Turns out that God’s name is “Paul Brown.” Go figure.

As I lie there trying to wake up and get the strength to face the day, I am hearing all the great news of the world. The rising death toll with the Moscow subway bombings, the church who is blind to the deaf, nine seditious malicious militia, and more. And then, yes, and then, THE TWO MINUTE WARNING!

Yes, clear as day, the “voice,” well, actually Paul Brown:

Sometime during the hour, scientists will be running the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at its highest energy levels yet.

Cool! I have mentioned this before. This the the world’s largest particle accelerator at Cern, a physics thingy, under a couple of European countries. They make little atomic particle thingys go around and around a seventeen mile track and then smash into each other at tremendous speeds. Why? Well, why can’t you tickle yourself? What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way? Who knows why, but they are doing it. Something about the God Particle, Higgs boson  (or is it his bottom, or bosom?) (And if this is based on work by Peter Higgs, shouldn’t there be an apostrophe in there somewhere?)

And, the important part is … there are all these folks who are sure that when the LHC goes full speed it will create a black hole that will suck up the earth and life as we know it will cease to exist! And you know what I say to that? COOL! Super COOL! K-E-W-L!!

I don’t particularly want to die, especially not alone. But this would not be alone, this would be cool, to be sucked into a black hole forever, along with all life. Think about it … no more ruptured discs! No more seizures! No more wheelchairs that don’t wheel! No more school nurses nor social workers! And, no one bummed that you’re dead!

My mother did point out that since life as we know it would cease to exist, it would not be “cool” since you would not be able to enjoy it and know that it was, in fact, cool. Word to the wise, don’t try to have a serious discussion with your mom on wanting all life as we know it ceasing to exist. Something about missing her granddaughter gets in the way. Not missing me, mind you, but then, she thinks I’m a bit nuts.

So, Peter Brown announces that the LHC is being fired up THIS HOUR to it’s highest level yet. TWO MINUTES folks, we got the warning.

I look to my right (I’m still in bed), DAMN, no 21-year-old gorgeous blond virgin of the kind that never would speak to me anyway, but that’s ok, there are 71 virgins waiting for me after I die, right? Here, as an aside, is Robin Williams great take on that:


So, I look to my left, damn, no cigarettes. Always thought that would be a good time to start smoking. I hear Pearlsky starting to stir in bed, I call out, “Hold on Pearlsky, give me two minutes.”

And the punchline? Damn, I’m here writing this, and this don’t look like no heaven.

Those scientists just can’t get it right. I guess it’s back to school nurses, seizures, social workers, wheelchairs, and life …

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