Anonymous busybody
A couple of weeks after we took Pearlsky home from the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), we went to a high powered lawyers office about a totally different matter. I stayed in her waiting room with Pearlsky and my (then) wife was in with the lawyer. Pearlsky was on the floor in her car carrier most of the time.
There was one other gentleman (assuming I may use that noun for myself) in the waiting room. We did not have any interactions
About a week later the lawyer called my wife. Basically, she said …
There was a gentleman in the waiting room when your husband and daughter were here. He wanted me to pass on the fact that your daughter may have some medical issues and should be under the care of a very competent pediatrician.
We had just taken Pearlsky home from being in the NICU for over a week and having been told she might never leave alive. Duh. My wife was very upset by the call.
I offer this as I am working on another post that will refer to this story and others. Feel free to comment or not.
I don’t know, I think this might be a tough one. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like the man was being judgmental in any way, or insulting your parenting skills. He really thought he might be doing you and your daughter a favor.
Reminds me of another blog I read, a case where a commenter noticed from the woman’s pictures that the blogger’s son’s eye seemed off. She let the blogger know, and the blogger mentioned it to the ped at the next visit, and it turned out that her son does, in fact, have something wrong with that eye. The blogger was very grateful. Of course, had the blogger known about the issue already and had simply wanted to keep it off the blog, she might have been upset by a complete stranger commenting on it.
Maybe in your case the guy didn’t feel comfortable mentioning anything to you, felt wrong about it after you parted ways, and let the lawyer know to tell you so he would feel like he did the right thing. Not strictly what I would consider a “mommy drive by.”
I get that the guy was probably trying to help, but really, those comments can get annoying when you already have so much on your plate.
I remember once when Monkey was about two or so, I mentioned to a woman that he has cerebral palsy. She looked down at him in his stroller, then at me before saying, “You know, he really should be getting physical therapy.” Never before had the words no and shit seemed more appropriate.
The man in the office was a pediatrician. I think.
I can keep that thought to myself without too much trouble. But then there was the time I was concerned about a co-worker’s baby. I put-off butting-in but finally expressed my concerns to our boss. I mean, we all worked with children with disabilities. The timing of expressing that concern probably made no difference in that child’s outcome. Boss had managed to give the mom some literature on signs of developmental delay – she figured it out for herself.
I’m just wondering why he thought such a brand new baby would not have already seen a pediatrician recently? Or that she wouldn’t be seeing one very soon? If it was obvious to a stranger that she needed medical intervention, surely it would have been more than obvious to a pediatrician, so why would he even say something!
Under the category of people trying to help: I once had a woman tell me that my daughter would turn out to be fine, because it was obvious I wasn’t one of “those” parents and she would catch up quickly. And this was even AFTER I told her about my daughter’s issues and coming life long challenges. What can you say to that?
Sigh. I would have filed that under “Things People Say” — a device I’m using as I write my own story —
Well, I would be lying if I said I have not done something that would be considered “busybody”. When I did do it, it was always with the best of intentions and because I tend to be somewhat overly enthusiastic by nature. I can say that I don’t do it anymore, ever, having watched just how annoying it is by observing another do it. Now, not a word unless I am asked. That’s the best way. On a completely different note…about your new look…as I write this comment, the monthly archive list is covering part of the comment box so that I am writing blind. I don’t know if there are spelling errors there. Is there a way to address that as I write, or is that something you need to fix? Thanks.
Did the lawyer know Pearlsky had medical issues? If not, he was just passing along info.
I think it’s a fine line. I suffer from Grave’s Disease – over active thyroid. One of the classic symptoms is “bug eyes”. Many people walk around with Graves, which is potentially life threatening (your heart can stop), and they feel fine. The only symptom they might display is “bug eyes”. I sometimes wish I could carry around business cards that said, “I noticed that your eyes protrude prominently and I wanted to make you aware that sometimes that can be a symptom of Grave’s Disease (over-active thyroid). Graves Disease left untreated can be fatal. There are many reasons why people have prominent eyes – medically or naturally, if you haven’t discussed this with your physician, it might be worth it at your next visit. Please forgive me if I have offended you, I only hand these cards out myself because I have Graves Disease myself and had no noticeable symptoms. I don’t want anyone to get sick because they didn’t know about this possibility.” And then just hand these cards directly to people instead of embarrassing them in public.
But telling someone their obviously disabled child needs help is just stupid.
This butinsky sound like the sort of person who would report you to Child Protective Services so that your child may be taken from you and given to gummint, who are better able to look after her than you are. Should you encounter him again, smack him upside the head.
I can understand why the phone call upset Pearlsky’s mom. I do not understand the hyperbole accusation by Annie. (Care to defend?)
A little historical perspective might help quell judgment on the man in the waiting room. 18 years ago there was yet a great deal of variability in how infants with development-altering-diagnoses were identified, when they were identified, what their parents were told and what services were offered. Honestly, variability still exists on all those fronts save the fact that infants are identified earlier and offered services earlier with the evolution of early intervention services. Here in TX physicians are required to refer a baby to EI if they suspect a delay or condition that predisposes delay. Failure to refer is a no-no of legal proportion.
I interpret the man’s action and the phone call from the attorney as acts of kindness. Realize that the attorney had a choice to not pass-on the message and he knew both the man and SD’s family.
Also, Annie might read the beginning of SD’s blog – where he talks about what was said in the NICU regarding family ‘traits’.
While I can see how that would have been devastating to Pearlsky’s mom, I think the way that man went about it was good. Given that the process of diagnosis often starts later than it should for maximum theraputic value and that parents of newborns often don’t know what is normal, alerting a new parent can be very valuable to the child if the parents are not already aware. That he told the lawyer, a person who has a confidential relationship with your family already, means that he was probably at least trying to filter his advice and not stick his nose in where it wasn’t needed. There are worse things he could have said than make sure you are seeing a very competent pediatrician, even with the implication that you might not have vetted her doctor already. Before the internet gave us the resources to do thorough background checks on physicians, finding a good doctor was not as simple.
While the general public’s comments are often idiotic at best, I feel the comments often reflect the commenter’s own bad experience with the medical industry. People like giving advice and sharing experience, it makes us feel good and helpful, doubly so when it’s something important, like health care. Most people could use a course in manners and tact, but I prefer the people who give stupid commentary to the people who either act like disabled people are a freak show or like they don’t exist.
@Rachel…excellent comment.
That’s interesting. I remember watching some video of Bennett I shot before this whole shitstorm began, and in the background you can hear my voice talking to Jennifer, my wife. In it, I am asking her some things about Bennett. Asking her if she thinks she notices anything unusual about Bennett’s behavior in any way, particularly about the focus of one of his eyes, I can’t remember which. Also, much to my surprise, I heard my voice asking her is she thought there was a chance that Bennett might be ‘slightly retarded’ or something along those lines.
I thought she might kill me. I kept filming for a short while, but not that much longer. And I do recall that turned into a very lengthy and very dirty fight. It was not the first one we would have on the subject. She thought I was attacking her baby. I just happened to notice some very peculiar behaviors in him that puzzled me, and I wasn’t sure what they were all about. (In retrospect, I think the eye focal thing was the result of the emerging tumor, and the behavior he was showing was a result of the tumor’s affect on the brain OR the fact that he indeed did/does have an ASD in addition to the Epilepsy/Brain Surgery aftermath).
Now, I was the Dad saying those things. If it was a total stranger? She’d have cut his balls off. But with what your dude said? Probably maybe just squeezed ’em a couple times.
I find it interesting that Waiting Room Man didn’t say something to you if he was concerned about the baby, something neutral like, “How old is she? How’s she doing?” The fact that he spoke to the lawyer about her seems very odd but so does the fact that the lawyer told you about it.
This is one of those situations where everything seems a little weird.
There are way too many busybodies in the world today. I blame reality TV and those shows where really obnoxious people criticize other people’s home decor, personal grooming, and clothing. Suddenly everybody is an expert and everybody is just dying to share their words of wisdom without considering whether their opinion is unwelcome, unnecessary and just plain irritating..
I think there are actually way fewer busybodies nowadays. When more people were living in towns instead of cities and suburbs, everybody was in everybody else’s business all the time. It’s still like that in small towns. Most of us just aren’t used to that level of public intimacy anymore.