“I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years.” ~Molly Ivins
Thanks to Elizabeth, I now know who “Dear Prudence” is (aka Emily Yoffee) because of this comment on my last post. Several of you have commented on the Dear Prudence Q & A, as did I, but let’s look at it closer here.
First, the question:
Should I Call the Authorities on a Loving Mom?: My neighbors have two children, ages 4 years and 9 months, and the older child is profoundly disabled. For whatever reason, the parents have opted to keep him at home rather than placing him in a facility. They don’t have hired help, maybe for financial reasons. The dad works and mom is alone with the two children all day. Because the older son needs round the clock care, the younger daughter is constantly left alone. She doesn’t cry when she wakes up because she knows nobody will tend to her. Mom rushes through feeding, practically shoving food in her mouth, before going back to the older child. The daughter is at an inquisitive age, so she’s blocked off from the son’s bedroom, where mom is for the most of her day. The parents have baby-proofed the living room and leave her alone there all day long. When dad gets home, the parents take turns sleeping in shifts so the daughter still doesn’t get a lot of attention. I try to take the baby out every now and then and it’s heartbreaking to see her so enthusiastic when I talk to or cuddle her. I would have called the authorities for neglect a long time ago if I didn’t know the special circumstances of the family, or how upset they also are over not being able to give their baby the attention she needs. But I feel bad for the little girl, and keep thinking that somebody should intervene. They are socially isolated, so it won’t be difficult to figure out it was me who called. I’m torn between doing something for the baby, and wanting to support the parents who already have a hard time. Is there a win-win situation here at all?
And then Prudence responds with her answer …
This is a heartbreaking situation and you sound like a friend as well as a neighbor. You will not be harming this family by calling Child Protective Services. There is a child who is being neglected and needs protection now. These parents have been given an painful burden, but there are many social services that should be available to them, from relief caregivers to respite care, but for some reason they have gotten themselves so isolated, they are not taking advantage of them. No one can be a caregiver 24 hours a day. Having the mother collapse will be of no benefit to her son, and not being a mother to her daughter will have profoundly damaging long-term consequences for the child. Picking up the phone and having the authorities intervene in an untenable situation sounds harsh, but doing it is the best way of supporting this family.
Let’s look at the original question:
My neighbors have two children, ages 4 years and 9 months, and the older child is profoundly disabled.
Not sure what she means by “profoundly” … probably like our kids, but this says very little. How can response be based on not knowing the basics?
For whatever reason, the parents have opted to keep him at home rather than placing him in a facility.They don’t have hired help, maybe for financial reasons. The dad works and mom is alone with the two children all day.
“For whatever reason …”? Ummm, love? Parental obligation? Why did your mother keep you at home?
Because the older son needs round the clock care, the younger daughter is constantly left alone.
Define “left alone.” In a locked room? Outside the house? Out of hearing and sight? What does that mean? Define “constantly.” How can an opinion be offered on this?
She doesn’t cry when she wakes up because she knows nobody will tend to her.
She is NINE months old. How do you know why she doesn’t cry. Maybe she is content? How do you know this? Are you there every day? You are concerned that a baby is NOT crying? If yours cries everyday when she wakes up, at nine months, I’d be concerned.
Mom rushes through feeding, practically shoving food in her mouth, before going back to the older child.
Your point? What is the optimum time for feeding? And is feeding her part of the nobody-tends-to-her thing?
The daughter is at an inquisitive age, so she’s blocked off from the son’s bedroom, where mom is for the most of her day.
She is blocked off from the son’s room because she is inquisitive? Not because there may be drugs there? Medical equipment? Her brother may inadvertently harm her? No, she is blocked off because she is inquisitive. Where is the problem here? The mom is there for most of her day? Are you peeking in the window?
The parents have baby-proofed the living room and leave her alone there all day long.
No one checks on her? No one can hear her? Is the living room worse than a daycare that leaves her in a crib? Do you clean the outside of the windows while peeking?
When dad gets home, the parents take turns sleeping in shifts so the daughter still doesn’t get a lot of attention.
One sleeping parent and one awake parent would mean more attention than two sleeping parents, no? What is your point? And, are you under the bed with a spreadsheet?
I try to take the baby out every now and then and it’s heartbreaking to see her so enthusiastic when I talk to or cuddle her.
Only now and then? Why is that if she is so enthusiastic? Why not offer a bit more help since that seems to be your point. You can be part of the solution, don’t you see that?
“Neglect”? How do you define that. There is always a parent at home, the child is fed, housed, dressed (I assume). You see her only “now and then” and other than your peeking in the window, how do you know there is “neglect.” There is always an awake parent in the house, “neglect”? When you take her out, you do not mention that she is not bathed, not healthy, nor any problem at all. What neglect?
I would have called the authorities for neglect a long time ago if I didn’t know the special circumstances of the family, or how upset they also are over not being able to give their baby the attention she needs.
How nice of you.
But I feel bad for the little girl, and keep thinking that somebody should intervene. They are socially isolated, so it won’t be difficult to figure out it was me who called. I’m torn between doing something for the baby, and wanting to support the parents who already have a hard time. Is there a win-win situation here at all?
Yes, there is. Why don’t you talk to the parents and find out the truth? Why don’t you try to rally others from the neighborhood, church, or whatever to donate a bit of time? Why don’t you find out what types of services are available from the city / state, do a bit of research, and even anonymously put a note in the mailbox of places they may call for help with the son? Why don’t you do anything positive?
And what does Dear Prudie have to say?
This is a heartbreaking situation and you sound like a friend as well as a neighbor.
Misguided nosy neighbor vs friend … same thing I guess.
You will not be harming this family by calling Child Protective Services.
That is an outrageous statement by someone who has not dealt with these people. Often in can cause great harm, I have seen that first hand, especially when a severely disabled person is involved.
There is a child who is being neglected and needs protection now.
DEFINE NEGLECT! Where is the neglect?
These parents have been given an painful burden, …
How do you know? “Painful” … ouch.
… but there are many social services that should be available to them, from relief caregivers to respite care, but for some reason they have gotten themselves so isolated, they are not taking advantage of them.
Ok, so they are not taking advantage of the services available so CALL THE AUTHORITIES! GET SOCIAL SERVICES IN THERE NOW!!!! Or, um, tell them about the services? NO, IT IS NEGLECT!!! SEIZE THEM!
No one can be a caregiver 24 hours a day.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Having the mother collapse will be of no benefit to her son, and not being a mother to her daughter will have profoundly damaging long-term consequences for the child.
Um, there is a father. They sleep in shifts, she is not alone. And maybe you would “collapse” but who says she will? And now she is “profoundly damaging” her daughter? First, what the f**k does that mean? Are all bad mothers (not that I am saying this woman is one) “profoundly damaging” their kids? I am missing something here.
Picking up the phone and having the authorities intervene in an untenable situation sounds harsh, but doing it is the best way of supporting this family.
Right, so much better than offering help, learning more, offering information. Right, CALL THE AUTHORITIES! GET THE TORCHES! “Untenable” for you maybe, but maybe not for this family.
I think we need to tell Ms. Prudie (as she is called) (aka Emily Yoffe) that she missed the boat on this one. She’s not even near the shore.
You can email her … prudence@slate.com
I will gladly post here anything she may have to say.
(original article here)
I’m sure the mother would be most relieved to find “the authorities” at her door, saying” we’re from the government and we’re here to help.” Yikes.
Here’s how I would have replied, were I in Prudence’s position:
Dear Neighbor, It will definitely be WAY BETTER for both of the children to be yanked from their familiar surroundings and the parents that love them and taken to a foster home or – much more likely in the case of the older child – to a facility that isn’t up to speed on all of his special needs. NOT!!! WAY TO GO, you lily-livered tattletale! WAY TO sit in judgment of others without many of the facts or any of the follow-through. WAY TO chicken out and hand off what you see as a big problem to someone else. WAY TO take the easy way out, and let me go out on a limb by guessing that this isn’t the first time you’ve ever handled a difficult situation that way.
You just had to put point this out to me.
And now I just have to click on that link and scroll down far enough to read the comments.
I fear this will not be good for my rage.
Spot on analysis SD. Thanks for ruining the rest of my night.
That is a seriously troubling question that reader posed, ditto for Emily’s reply. Ignorance all around.
Wow, that fuckin’ place is an asshole vortex. My eyes are bleeding. Sometimes I think to myself…’Man, I wish more people read my junk and commented.’ Then I see people reading junk and commenting a lot? And the voices in my head start saying something TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
I’m reaallly slow in the mornings before my coffee, and I seriously thought when reading this that the lady was asking you for advice and had the thought “Oh crap, she’s gonna get a mouthful”.. then I finally figured out she was asking an advice columnist that has no experience with special needs families what to do….. Idiot.
Holy crud.
I wrote a letter to Prudie herself, and received a response that now makes me wish I were a drinking woman. I’ll share it if you’re interested, but do be sure to have a bottle of scotch on hand.
…in the meantime, a feel little gems from Prudie’s response:
“A baby who is left alone all day is likely to end up with reactive attachment disorder, which would be devastating.”
“No one can be a 24 hour-care giver for years on end as the parents in the letter apparently are. A well-meaning neighbor is not equipped to be the family’s caseworker and find the programs that the family needs. That’s what CPS is able to do. There is a misunderstanding that CPS is about taking children away, but the overwhelming majority of the time the social workers simply want to make the family function better.”
I’ll take that drink now, please.
Omg holy shit! WHAT??!! I wanted to write as well but have not had a moment yet to do so. Hmm if we all write will she answer all of us?
I hope so I..I wrote her ( a little out of character for me”
“No one can be a 24 hour-care giver for years on end as the parents in the letter apparently are.”
Um…Isn’t that what ANY parent is? Don’t give this stupid bim the time of day people…apparently she has no brain.
Oh noooo! CPS never, ever yanks children away from their families on flimsy evidence from a tattletale neighbor. It’s not as if they care more about covering their asses than they do about kids.
The neighbor revolts me and so does the clueless advice columnist.
You know, it’s not as easy as you think for CPS to come in and take a child from the home. There needs to be clear and present danger to the child before it’s even considered. It may appear as though CPS comes in and takes a child without cause, but CPS knows a lot more than they let on. The ultimate goal is to work with the family so that the child doesn’t have to be removed from the family. It’s called family based practice. Believe me, it would be a cold day if all it took was a nosy neighbor to get CPS to take a child away. There is so much more behind it. Most people in CPS don’t want to take a child away from their family, believe or not. Social workers would rather work with the family before CPS has to come in and resort to taking the child out of the family. Just some food for thought.
Actually, Lindsay, a social worker can destroy your life fairly easily. The key to this is in what you say … “Most people in CPS don’t want to take a child away …” I fully and completely agree, MOST do not want to. And most have no clue what it is like to raise one of our children.
I do realize that there are a few who truly don’t care what they do to families, whether it be good or bad. I would be naive if I thought that every person who went into the social work profession or any human services profession was in it to help others. I just don’t want everyone to view all social workers as baby snatchers and family breakers. I’d like to think that most of us can and will challenge that stereotype. Yes, mistakes get made and ignorant people do make things hard, but hopefully we can be seen as professionals who can be trusted to those individuals/families who are in crisis and need outside help.
Frankly, even neglect, unless severe (child not being fed…for instance) is not likely to lead to child being removed from home. The MANDATE of CPS is to keep families together. No, a knock at the door from CPS isn’t fun. So what? What is described… means this family needs help and isn’t getting it.
“but hopefully we can be seen as professionals who can be trusted to those individuals/families who are in crisis and need outside help.”
Sure, you’re from the government and you’re there to help. Sure. You betcha.
By the way, millions of brownie points for quoting Molly Ivins.
Annie, I don’t know why you have a problem with social workers, but you are incorrect. Not all social workers work for the government. There are many different agencies that hire social workers and not all of them are associated with the government.