14 Mar 2010
Empathy: understanding and entering into another’s feelings
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own. ~Henry Ford
How empathetic are you, and does it really matter?
- During an argument, do you actively try to understand not necessarily the other’s point of view but why they feel that way?
- When breaking bad news, do you first think of how it will be heard?
- In business, do you try to satisfy your customer by trying to think and feel what they do?
- In a personal relationship, how often do you think, “how does s/he see this?”
- Are you more likely to think “s/he is an asshole” or “I wonder why s/he is being an asshole”?
- When was the last time you wondered how your child perceived the day?
- Have you tasted every medicine and food you give your child?
- Do you dress your child in clothes as warm as you dress yourself, or do you wonder how warm they would be seeing they are non-mobile?
- Have you tried sleeping in your child’s bed to see how comfortable it really is?
- How do you hold your child (if you do) when s/he is getting a shot? Giving blood? Is that how you want to be held?
- Ever wonder if your kid loves you? And then wonder why or why not?
This goes along with the “Shoes” link on the menu above. Different, but similar.
A few weeks ago, I volunteered for a “Walk in My Shoes” event at my childrens’ school. It was organized by the district’s SEPTA. There were booths set up for all the 4th graders. I oversaw kids putting on dress shirts and buttoning them up with their non dominant hand. They also had to put on gloves with one hand and then cut a piece of paper with their non dominant hand. At another booth, there were boxes and containers of foods, and the kids had to make up menus that was allergy friendly. There were mirrors at another table and kids had to write their names while looking only in the mirror. There were also activities with crutches and wheelchairs and blindfolds…. Most kids took it in stride and found the activities amusing if not challenging or slightly frustrating. There was one boy at my station who started crying and could not stop.
It matters to me that the school is trying to teach empathy. And it matters to me a great deal that our children’s generation develop some empathy. I don’t know what kind of difference a program like this one makes or if empathy can effectively be taught, but I will not be around forever to take care of my son and the effort means a lot to me….
I really like this post and the quotes you posted as well. I find, sometimes, that there should be another word, in addition to sympathy and empathy. A word to describe that state of being where one’s identity is so entwined with one’s child that one doesn’t know where one begins and the other ends. This isn’t something that I feel all the time, but certainly so much of my identity has been shaped by having a child like Sophie whose needs cannot be expressed in any meaningful way. Anticipating her needs and sensing her discomfort is like second nature to me.
It matters. It really matters re our children, but in life in general. In our society,it is not something we are taught….it is something some of us stumble upon if relationships/friendships go wrong and we are forced to analyize why? for example. Having children with disabilities gives us a lot of practise at it. Outside of our children….in relation to others, it is a quality we have to work at. I think it is quite a rare quality. I think it is a ‘higher’ quality.
Such a great list- thank you.
This is an extra big deal to me because I have sensory kids. I’d like to throw the next doc or nurse who tells one of my kids that the shot / blood test / ear check won’t hurt for sure. How do they know? It’s hard to remember that for my son, a loud, crowded room can be torture, even if it’s a concert by a group he likes. Or that my daughter really does feelt he need to leave the room the second we bring in gefilte fish. Or that my other son is never ever cold.
The cool thing about having these empathy skills is that it makes you happier, because you stop taking things personally.