“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” ~Erma Bombeck

guilt /gɪlt/ noun

•  the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
• a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
• conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

I feel guilty.

1. I feel guilty because I have not looked for an outside placement for Pearlsky.
2. I feel guilty because I feel guilty that I have not looked for an outside placement for Pearlsky.
3. I feel guilty because Pearlsky and I sit in silence most of the time when we are watching television or just hanging out.
4. I feel guilty because I met a young woman with the same exact birthday as Pearlsky, year and all, and she was normal, and afterwards when I was alone, I cried. Bitch.
5. I feel guilty because I called a young woman a bitch just because she was normal. No, not to her face. To my tears.
6. I feel guilty because my next daughter will be named Isabella. And she will be normal. So sayeth a soothsayer.
7. I feel guilty because the mailman sees Pearlsky more than her mother does. And her mother lives three miles away. And the mail is delivered when Pearlsky is in school.
8. I feel guilty because there is not a single thing that I could not do better for Pearlsky. I could feed her more diverse foods. I could talk to her more. I could buy her more clothes. I could do more therapies at home with her. I could do everything better. Couldn’t love her more though. Go figure.
9. I feel guilty because I did not do tchuva with my dad the year he died. No, I won’t share.
10. I feel guilty because I probably picked the one and only woman that I ever met who is a carrier, as I am, for the amino acid deficiency that did this to my kids, to procreate with. Good job, SD.
11. I feel guilty because I’ve never taken Pearlsky to an amusement park. What kind of a father is that?
12. I feel guilty because sometimes I wish Pearlsky and David were never born.
13. I feel guilty because sometimes I wish Pearlsky and David were dead.
14. I feel guilty because sometimes I wish I were.
15. I feel guilty because David does not know me.
16. I feel guilty because I understand filicide – suicide. I so get it.
17. I feel guilty because sometimes I just want someone to f-k my lights out and tell me she loves me.
18. I feel guilty because I always put Pearlsky first.
19. I feel guilty because I want Isabella. (see number 6)
20. I feel guilty because I may be the end of the line. If I have no children that will procreate, I am a genetic end. Probably a good thing.
21. I feel guilty because of my responsibilities to Pearlsky take time away from my mother, my work, my friends, and SD’s harem.
22. I feel guilty because Pearlsky had a breakthrough seizure the other day. It was my fault. The third time. In nineteen years. I suck.
23. I feel guilty because I am not capable of having David live with me as well. I have failed him.
24. I feel guilty because this list is easy to come up with. What’s that say about me?
25. I feel guilty because I’ve protected my family from some of the worst stuff about Pearlsky. Does my mother have the right to know the depths of hell that we went through at times?
26. I feel guilty because every word of this blog is true, and always has been.
27. I feel guilty because I have more appropriate fun with a particular normal seven-year-old girl than I ever have with Pearlsky.
28. I feel guilty because I am writing this.
29. I feel guilty because someone pissed me off enough today for me to put my foot down.
30. I feel guilty because I cannot ask Pearlsky if she forgives my shortcomings.
31. I feel guilty because I strive to do and be the best that I can. I am 52, and still striving. Shouldn’t I be there already?