Filicide and other fun stuff

There is another one of those articles out there … Parents of autistic children speak out on Sunnyvale murder-suicide. The gist of the article is, well, here is the beginning of it …

Taking care of autistic children is hard enough, but caring for them when they grow up can test a parent’s resolve like nothing else.

When a Sunnyvale woman fatally shot her 22-year-old autistic son and then herself this week, empathetic parents of autistic children, young or old, spilled out their frustration, anguish and opinions on the Internet and in interviews with reporters.

I have spoken about this before. I have several thoughts today …

  • Autistic? Screw you. I’d kill for a kid that was autistic. Now, don’t yell at me, this is my gut speaking, I have a kid that cannot communicate AT ALL, cannot feed herself, cannot toilet herself, well, can’t do ANYTHING. Yeah, I’ll trade you, how dare you kill your kid. I wish my kid would run out of control and hit me. Damn.
  • Yes, I know that last bullet is unfair and wrong. I don’t know your shoes, you don’t know mine.
  • I so understand this. I so understand what that story is about.
  • One sentence really got to me … “While they don’t condone or excuse what Elizabeth Hodgins did, parents interviewed by this newspaper said they understood what would drive a parent of an autistic child to commit such a senseless act.” Does that even make sense? If they “understood” then how can you call it “senseless”? Can something be senseless yet understood? Maybe. Maybe it’s me, but that wording bugs me.
  • Another blogger wrote about this story, and quoted me at some length. Want to know who it is? I ain’t telling you! Why not? For some bizarre reason he went out of his way to hide that it was me he was quoting! No link, even removing Pearlsky’s name! I don’t get it. But hey, I was quoted so that’s positive, even if no one knows. Strange.

Filicide (killing one’s own kid) is wrong. Filicide / suicide is wrong. Having a plan to implement if your own death is impending  that results in filicide is wrong.

Convincing a doctor to up the dose of a loved one’s morphine to enable a dignified ending is wrong.

I do a lot of things wrong. Pearlsky will list them to me in heaven. Can’t wait.

But wait I will. Hopefully a long time.


David, my son. He’s in a residential facility about two hours away. I say “about” since I have not been there for months, I don’t remember exactly how long it takes me to get there.

It hurts, the pain of visiting him is probably worse than the pain of not visiting him. I don’t expect you to understand that as even Aphrodite did not. She visited him with me and never understood why it was so devastatingly difficult. Never understood why I had tears in my eyes leaving when he looked good and well treated.

I lie when people ask me if I have seen David. I make excuses when they say they would love to come for a visit with me …

How could I not want to see my son? It is horrendous how I feel that I could not take him in with me at the divorce, for many logistic and other reasons, or that I cannot care for him now in our home. So why can’t I visit him?

There is no way to explain it. But I will tell you this … since Aphrodite put her severely disabled child in a residence, she gets it. Completely and totally.

Do you understand why it pains so much to see David? Am I wrong in not forcing myself to see him more? Don’t even think of answering unless you really really know …


By the way, I think I’m back.

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