Period – not just for grammarians anymore

The appointment with the gynecologist went well, she did not feel there was a reason for a physical exam. I put my pants back on.

Pearlsky had close to a dozen years of pretty much spot on exactly 28-day cycles and four day periods. Then a few months ago that went out the window, hence the appointment. She had not had a period in a while but apparently had PMS. We discussed various things, including how to mitigate the PMS, how her meds could cause the irregularity, etc. I was asked about dates of her periods, and yes, I track them. But who knew the doctor would also want to know the length, how heavy, etc. I got a B- in data collection.

There’s an app for that.

Yes, that is what the doctor said. Actually, many apps for that. So I went to my only social media thing, where luckily I have about 92 female “friends” and two or three male, and I put out the word … anyone have a good app for tracking periods (not the grammatical kind)?

Some apps were too pink and flowery (hey, I’m a guy, ya know), a religious one was good, but just not exactly right, another wanted my BBT, and well, come on, that’s a bit personal, no? (For you guys out there – ok, Ken – that is basal body temperature, a way to calculate when you one she a woman is fertile).

I put a period tracker app on my phone, Clue. No clue why it is called “Clue” … maybe to give you a clue? It is from Germany, no way I am looking up what “clue” means in German.

Of course this morning Perlsky wakes up and I find she has her period! I grab my phone …

I open the app, hit the calendar icon and have six big buttons. “Period” … ok, should probably tap that. “Light,” “Medium,” “Heavy,” or “Spotting.” Ummmm … compared to what? My period? Do women compare? How? Do I ask my friends how many diapers they bleed through in a given time frame to figure this one out? I really did start to wonder how women determine this. Anyway, relative to the last few years, I chose “Light.” Then there is the button labeled “Pain.” “Cramps,” “Headache,” “Ovulation,” “Tender Breasts.” Ugh. No clue, I closed that window. Then I hit the button labeled “Sex.” Was not sure if it meant mine or hers … but then the choices were “Unprotected,” “Protected,” “High Sex Drive,” and “Withdrawal.” I love the euphemism “high sex drive” … not sure what it is for though. Multiple partners? Multiple O’s? Making out at 1000 foot elevation on Look-Out Point Drive? At this point I wanted to Withdraw … I just skipped the options for “Mood,” “Fluid,” and “Tags.”

I will track everyday there is blood. And note things like “torrent,” “trickle,” and “war zone.”

How will I explain the alert that will pop up in 14 days that says “Your high fertility window starts tomorrow”? Hope I am not at lunch with mom …

Do all dads do this for their 22 year-old daughters?

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