Define “despair”
Here is an article from the AP, reproduced in total.
Mom of autistic daughter accused in murder-suicide try blogged her despair
BEULAH, Mich. — Kelli Stapleton, the Michigan woman accused of trying to kill herself and her severely autistic daughter, blogged that day about how desperate she was feeling.
“I have to admit that I’m suffering from a severe case of battle fatigue,” Kelli Stapleton wrote Tuesday on her blog, The Status Woe, where she chronicled the challenges of raising her 14-year-old daughter, Isabelle, who sometimes had violent outbursts.
Stapleton, 45, and Isabelle were found unconscious from carbon monoxide poisoning that day in a van in which charcoal was burned with the windows all closed. Isabelle remained in critical condition Friday at a Grand Rapids hospital, her father, Matt Stapleton, said in an email to news outlets.
Kelli Stapleton appeared in court Thursday, where she was ordered to remain in jail without bail on an attempted murder charge. Her attorney, Anthony Cicchelli, declined to comment.
The family is well-known in their small community of Elberta, which is near Lake Michigan about 150 miles northwest of Grand Rapids. Matt Stapleton is the principal and football coach at nearby Frankfort High School, and local news outlets have reported about him and his wife’s challenges in raising Issy, as Isabelle is called.
“It’s really early in the investigation. … It’s safe to call it shocking and tragic, definitely,” prosecutor Sara Swanson said Friday. “Everyone is focused on hoping the child does well and pulls out of this. That’s where the focus is now.”
It was Matt Stapleton who reported he was worried about his wife and daughter after getting a phone message from Kelli and finding their van was gone from their home, authorities said.
On her blog, Kelli Stapleton wrote that Issy had completed an intense program for severely autistic children near Kalamazoo but that her education plan had been abruptly changed by school officials.
“I am devastated. My husband is gutted,” she wrote.
Some parents of autistic children expressed empathy in interviews with the Traverse City Record-Eagle.
“I don’t judge her, and it was absolutely not the way to handle it,” said Sherry Ginn Richards of Interlochen.
“But when you get to that point, you can’t think rationally. My heart goes out to them because I’ve been there, and I know what it felt like,” she said.
Go ahead, tell me how many things you can find wrong in here. Not “wrong” as in factually, just plain old “that’s so wrong” or who was wrong … or what went wrong.
Now tell me who was right.
I can understand the furstration that can lead to this place. I have a son that is multiplie handicapped. The road is sometimes long and hard to look at. But we all walk the trail we are given sometime better sometimes with difficulty. I only hope she gets the help to move forward.
In answer nto the question: On one was right or wrong. It was a response to a bad situtaion.
All I’ll say about this situation, is that it’s a fucking tragedy but that I completely and utterly understand it. To keep that woman in jail without bond is grotesque and anyone who judges her that harshly, from the get-go is grotesque as well. How’s that for judgement?
I just read her latest blog post and I am so heartbroken for her. One of the biggest wrongs, and there are many, is that she’s in jail. If anyone needs to be cared for and loved, to be treated for PTSD or whatever acronyms apply, it is she. I’m also pissed. Very pissed off at a system that jerks people around like they did her and her husband. I’m going to be thinking about this for a long time. What can we as a group do to help at this point?
Sympathy for how the mom felt and feels? Yes, I do have some, but to attemot to murder anybody is plain out wrong. To ignore what was done to the daughter because she is disabled and because of the pain she is causing her parents, is wrong, IMO. I feel a lot of despair and hurt and other emotions. Can’t help it. But the actions I take, I have to control, or I do deserve to be locked up. It’s a fundamental rule of our society not to harm,to self and others, and this mother violated it, making her a danger. That’s the line not to cross. That her daughter was so much trouble, that society at large is making it difficult to raise her is not a valid reason to exterminate her life. The girl has as much right to life as anyone who has no disabiities. Those parents who cannot deal with their children because their needs are too much for them, need to give them up to the state. Murdering them is not acceptable, excusable.
NO ONE condones the killing of anyone here. This woman should not be in jail, though. Blanket statements like yours do nothing to extend or expand empathy, and I’d venture to say that quick and conventional judgement, with conventional measures, is far more dangerous to us as a group than the individual danger posed by this woman to herself and her child.
Condemning putting the mom in jail IS, in my eyes, condoning the act she did.
It doesn’t matter what the method of seperation from society and her daughter, the mom needs to be seperated from both. Full stop. End of discussion.
And any amount of coverage on the crime is going to put lives at risk due to copy-cat crimes. This is even true of suicide (I know that’s not a crime, but that’s beside the point). Supportive coverage is going to make that effect worse. There’s a rare few who will do literally anything to get attention. Consider that before being publicly supportive of the mother.
Actually, suicide is against the law. I agree with Issy and her mom should be separated. Putting the mom in jail isn’t the answer to that.
So those who are disabled and whose caretakers, parents, friends kill them or attmept to do so should be treated differently than those who are a victim of a murder attempt who are not disabled?
Again, no. I am not condoning murder of anyone — disability or not. I am simply saying that as the parent of a severely disabled young adult, I can certainly extend empathy toward this family. Throwing her in jail without bond and seeking punishment is not justice, here. I refuse to be drawn into an argument about disability rights, about how the disabled are throwaways in our culture. I am perfectly aware of that and work every day of my life trying to right that. I would be equally as horrified if a young person who had killed his abusive father was thrown into jail without bond and then tried as a murderer if judged before all the circumstances were explicated.
I would not equate an abusive parent with a disabled child or person in any scenario. However, I do not believe that this mother should be treated any worse than anyone else who does something like this to others and that her state of mind should be taken into account in terms of where she should be held. It is entirely possible and probable that she should be in a psych ward, as I believe most parents who attempt to harm their children while clearly in a sick frame of mind should be. However, it is an unfortunate fact that those who do kill or harm those who are disabled and/or are a lot of trouble to take care of, get off a lot lighter than those who don’t. Also those who are disabled are more often victims of abuse and these sort of attempts. One thing that I thing that stands out in all of this is that there is not enough support for those who care for someone who need extra support and services and this is a shameful situation that our society and this country, and all communities and families should be addressing. That this happens more often in situations where there is a person needing extra support services makes it clear that we are not giving the support that should be given. I also do agree that this mother, as anyone accused fo any crime, should be getting due process. There has been a lot of “put his/her head on stick” clamour in a lot of cases hitting the media before the case is even tried and even when the person is found not guilty in a court of law. But that the victim in this case was a dependent child,difficult to care for, should not make the crime less heinous. That’s a dangerous attitude that is too often expressed.
You can have empathy without condoning what someone did.
I think the mom acted out of desperation, not malice. I’m sickened by all the armchair quarterbacks vilifying the mom. It’s disgusting that this country doesn’t have resources for families in situations like hers.
Exactly. Anyone who argues otherwise has no fucking business doing so. I have been in this woman’s shoes and there are simply no options. There is no “help”. Period. No matter how hard you fight, every single day, year after year. Indefinite battles will fuck you up in the head. Harsh language chosen intentionally.
Your words ring powerful and true. Thank you.
Wrong….I will tell you what is wrong…
Putting this loving mother in jail is wrong.
What is wrong is that the woman thought a solution to some problem was to murder her child. Justice must be done and she must not be let near her daughter until she can prove she is no longer a danger to her.
“Loving mother”. I don’t believe that.
Does it make a difference that this was not purely filicide? It was (a failed attempt at) filicide-suicide.
Yes, I think the suicide attempt was to evade respsonsibility and to turn an unnacceptable filicide into an acceptable filicide-suicide. Same with the case of Alex S.
Well , it makes the charge against her attempted murder rather than murder, and whatever other things the state can come up with. I don’t know what those who attempt suicide and fail get charged with in the criminal justice system. I would be interested, Single Dad, to read your take on this
My take? After this string of comments, what am I, crazy? 😉
I will probably chime in in a full post. It is a very complex issue and one’s feelings about it somewhat depend on if you have a severely disabled child, a less severely one, if you yourself are disabled, or if you have no connection with disabilities. There will NEVER be agreement on this. I will discuss my take on it soon.
Is there a like button for this? In complete agreement. Empathy depends on how close to the edge you’ve been driven lately, especially by school officials. I myself have barely been able to tolerate the mistakes made my Livi’s teacher/aides, and it’s only Day 3 of PreK. I’m livid most of the day. I can’t imagine dealing with it for years and years, to finally see hope and progress, only to have it yanked out from under you with no other positive options.
There was a situation a number of years ago in my MIL’s town where someone taking care of an elderly difficult and disabled mother who had a lot of needs attempted to kill self and mother. The sentiments ran pretty much to great sympathy, empathy for the caretaker, something that distressed my MIL greatly as she felt it diminishes the value of the lives of those who do have great needs, and that it makes it less terrible to abuse those who are in that situation.
I think it is a tragic story and I don’t believe the mom was motivated by anything but desperation (certainly distorted by stress) and worry for her child and family. I don’t think that this action can be excused, but it’s still tragic. I don’t think she thought her daughter was not valuable as the “autism activists” (most of whom seem to have aspergers) claim. BTW, I think someone with Aspergers would be completely overwhelmed if they were charged with the care of someone with classic autism ( not their fault, but still ironic).
Look at the completely different slant of reporting here:
http://www.nbcnews.com/health/alzheimers-extracts-high-price-caregivers-too-8C11070658
This fellow thinks an event like this is a GIFT and he gets to talk to Maria Shriver! Frankly, I think this is tragic too and I’ve had family experience of Alzheimers (my grandmother) as well as classic autism (my child).
Fortunately, we have been able to navigate my child’s challenges with the help of grace and family and medical care. But, it is a demanding job for a loved one. I have seen many professionals (teachers/doctors/therapists) shrug their shoulders or give up and I know you have too. We don’t have that option. God bless all of us and I am happy that the girl in this story seems to be recovering.
When my daughter lived at home, the thought of killing her and myself occurred to me more than once. I love me daughter, she and I are inextricably linked but caring for her pushed me past what I could handle mentally.
Four years ago I took my daughter to the ER because I could no longer cope. It was a long, sad, frustrating story. That very same day in our city, a man killed himself and his eleven year old autistic son. The very next day we got help for our daughter, a psychiatrist who could deal with both an intellectual disability and behavioral problems.
I do not condone taking the life of another but I can certainly understand how she felt. Parents of disabled children need more help than they usually get. My own daughter now has 24/7, one on one care, not something I could ever provide, but that’s what it takes to care for her and to keep her and others safe.
Don’t judge this woman until you have walked in her shoes for fourteen, unrelenting years.
And for what it’s worth, I hope and pray that my daughter dies before me because I don’t want her living in this world without me. The mother couldn’t just kill herself, she had to take her daughter with her.
Or twenty years …
Thank you, Deb, for your honesty and for so clearly explicating the great trauma and seemingly impossible dilemma many of us face each day for days and then years on end. I’ve felt sick to my stomach, actually, all day — not because of this terrible incident — but because of the huge canyon that lies between those who would judge this woman so harshly and those who not only empathize with her but live similar lives.
I went to Kelli’s blog and found a video of how her daughter attacks her. I thought I was the only one. My daughter, whom I love more than anyone can imagine, attacks me regularly. I’m not allowed to be alone with her because of that.
Unless you have dealt with behavioral problems I don’t think people will understand why she did what she did. My heart goes out to both of them.
Or thirty years…
I cannot say what I think because I am not in her shoes and frankly do not have all the facts. Nor am I in the shoes of many parents and hopefully will never be. My “struggles” with my son pales in comparison, while he slowly physically degenerates, his intellect stays intact. I do not feel as if I can comment on her situation – but can only say I do not think she belongs in jail with no bail. Unless the judge believes the mom is still a threat to herself, then place her in the appropriate facility. Beyond that I have no right to judge her and refuse to, even if there is a trial.
I feel to terribly bad for her but I cannot even come close to relating to her situation. For a dedicated mother to take such extreme action just takes my breath away with sadness. And I feel bad for the daughter and the father, a family torn apart. So tell me, who IS a jury of their peers?
If charged and taken to a jury trial, she will have peers just as much as any accused murderer or anyone who attempted murderer. They don’t fill the jury box with those who have done what the accused is on trial for doing. In fact, there may be a deliberate attempt on the part of both attorneys to keep out jurors who are truly peers in her type of situation. I don’t know if she belongs in jail with no bail as I have no idea what that jurisdiction categorizes as that sort of crime. My concern is that she should be getting some sort of psychiatric examination and treatment that might not be happening. Where she will go when released from jail is going to be an issue too. I cannot see her permitted to be in the same home as her daughter, given the situation. Her husband may have to decide who he keeps at home with him, daughter or wife, and if he cannot get anyone to care for his daughter while he works, he may have to give the girl up to the state. Sad though that might be, at least she won’t be someone who has demonstrated that she will “go there”, there being murder. I feel badly for any and all caretakers who are pushed to their limits, as well as any persons who are so pushed, however, it’s a terrible line that is crossed when such people attempt to kill or harm another.
You are correct in the legal sense about the jury. I was thinking in a much broader term of public perception since a jury is appearing to place judgement in the social realm.
Just so you know, I can’t get to the new post from either the notification email or my blog list. I’m not commenting on the story because I firmly believe that if you haven’t been there you should just shut up and learn.
It is there now.
A question that arises is whether a person taking care of a high needs person should get some consideration if s/he “snaps” and breaks laws due to the stress and demands of such care. Also whether an attempt or action to hurt or kill a high needs person by his/her caretaker is to be handled differently than if the victim were not handicapped.
There are those out there are themselves disabled and who can communicate and are giving a voice to those who need extra care. There outlooks are often quite different from those of caregivers. “Fighting Monsters With RUbber Swords” wrote something about this. Those parents who have loved ones for whom they are caring who cannot communicate become the voices for their children and fight the battles for them. But they are not their children. They are not the ones in those bodies and minds and they may well not be expressing what their children would be saying if they indeed could. In those communities where those who have needs poorly addressed by society can express their thoughts and opinions, the parents don’t often come off so well, as expected, IMO since parents do not in most sounding boards. I think those who need a lot of support and care from parents due to disabilities and special needs and the fact that are society does not have things in place to allow those whith certain needs to be more independent even when they can be, are going to have a whole different take on this than parents and care takers. It is deep and real fear of those who have disabilities that they will be killed or deserted due to the high stress their needs create. I repeat that it is a REAL fear, because statistically these things happen more to this group. Though, yes, I feel badly for the mother, and hopefully she gets treated as she should with all rights preserved and not compromised by the legal system, I also feel that it is important that the rights of those disabled are also recognized. One thing that needs to be made very clear to all caretakers is that they have to step away when it gets too much. No, it is not understandable and condoned if you kill your kid or abuse him because he’s too much trouble and in despair. You have to hand him over to a hospital, police station, somewhater, and it is important to identify such a sanctuary ahead of time if you are in a situation where this sort of thing is a real possibility, and use it if you ever find your self “there”. No, you are not going to get brownie points and the sympathy vote may well be very weak if you snap. All the work in being a loving parent, caretaker, advocate is out the window when you harm your child and, no one is going to take a tally sheet and add up all you good points. That really should be the message going to caretakers and parents rather than the sympathy, and compassions, which, yes, many of us do feel, I feel. But feelings are one thing, actions are another. To act that this is an understandable thing and treat it as such is treating those who need care as second class citizens and worse.
Very powerful, I agree and disagree. I wish you had entered an email address, I would like to privately respond.
I think if it is not your child, it is easy to say just drop them off at some random place, and walk away, trusting that the same people who have not worked in your child’s best interests up to now, will do so now. Have you seen the rates of how many children in care are abused and murdered every year?!
Your comments are powerful. Thank you.