Generate one sperm and wham! yes, you can be a father. But can you be a dad?
For all intents and purposes I am both mother and father to Pearlsky and I’m good with that. It is unfortunate, and ultimately she loses (both “she”s … Pearlsky and her mom). But I digress.
Being Pearlsky’s dad is a full time job. Even when I’m not working on it, I’m … well … working on it. I hear her in my sleep, I think of where she is (or should be) whenever I look at the time. I come home every day to meet the school bus and make sure all is ok. She is the first thing I deal with in the morning, the last thing at night, if not through the night. I am the one to hold her through seizures. I am the only one who can really make her laugh.
It’s not easy being a single parent. Hell, it’s not easy being a married parent with kids like ours. Just ask Ken. It absolutely defines me.
I definitely have other aspects of my life. Since my divorce, two women have lived here. One was here about seven or eight months, and after lots of my money for her psychotherapy, she finally moved out. The other, well, we are not sure what happened, she just disappeared one day. Really. And I loved her. Her picture is now on the back of diet coke cans sold in Thessaly and Macedonia. I have many women friends, ex-nannies seem to stick around, etc.
I am very excited that this new geek project I am working on for the big semiconductor company will have me traveling. I have always wanted to go to Eastern Europe for many reason … my heritage, the people (ok, I’ll admit it, I have a sweet spot for Eastern European women, several of my closest friends fit the bill), history, and more. It looks like I may be going to Prague in October. And it’s just a short hop over to Budapest to look up some of Erika‘s friends (one can dream, no?) … Travel is great and I am excited to get back into it.
Yes, this post has a point. I’ll get there.
I am a son. I am a brother. I am a man. I am a blogger. I am a pedagogue. I am a friend. I am a geek. I try to be a decent person. But it appears that I am a dad, first and foremost.
That works for me, it is what evolved.
I keep getting asked what is going to happen when Pearlsky turns 22. That is the age when school unceremoniously kicks her out. Really. The day before her twenty-second birthday; hence her last day of school is October 20, 2014.
How do I know what we will do next? I refuse to plan, those things always get screwed up. But more than that, I cannot fathom. Of course she can live here forever, but that becomes more and more impractical, so that leaves the option that she goes somewhere else (ignoring for this post the ever present, and potential, “hey, let’s both exit stage left”).
Pearlsky goes and lives somewhere else. Pearlsky goes and lives somewhere else.
That brings up the thought, the image, that has kept me awake the last few nights …
What is my purpose at that point in time?
I don’t want to sit in this house sans Pearlsky. Single Dad becomes moot, remove my “dad-hood” and my reason to be ceases, no?
I absolutely don’t want to be alone in this house at that point. And, yes, I would love to have more children (how fucked up is that?), either my next partners or “ours” works for me. But that is not today’s situation.
At that time, what is the point of me? To what end do I exist?
My dad is gone. Someday I will be as well. As of now, my progeny are the end of the line.
I am a dad and damn proud of it. I have been told I “rock.”
Maybe we need a Dad’s Day. Someone call Hallmark.
Now check out the words from a couple of guys I grew up with …