Trust me, I’m working up to a question for you with this post …
Mom called as soon as she knew Dad passed. Being the most religious (yeah, me the freaking heathen, but alas, I am definitely the most knowledgeable of our religion, at least) Mom said to do whatever I felt was right. I did, while checking with her to make sure she was comfortable. That’s the key, making mom comfortable, right? And consoling her …
I end up consoling others as well.
Ever tell someone sad or bad news and then you end up consoling them?! What’s up with that?
Yeah, I was up most of the night, Pearlsky had a couple of hours of seizures and puking.
Oh my god, that’s horrible. I feel so bad.
You feel bad? Oh, sorry, maybe I should not have told you. Now I feel bad I made you feel bad.
A couple of people just plain burst into tears when I told them about Dad. My ex-wife. Two ex-girlfriends. And what do I do? I console them. WTF? Aren’t I supposed to be the one crying? And my friends consoling me?
I actually get it, but it is messed up, especially around things with Pearlsky. I have stopped telling people about the really bad times, especially my Mom. To share that only makes her anxious or feel bad or whatever. I get it, but don’t really like it.
Moving on, how do you console someone if you don’t know how upset they are?
How do you explain a death of a loved one to someone if you don’t know if they understand the concept of death?
And then, you don’t know if the response you think you are getting is real or meaningful or a coincidence?
If you don’t know if the consoling is working, and you keep consoling, can you over do it? And how do you know?
Or, do you not even try to convey bad news, create a bubble. Is that fair? If you give the news, you don’t know how it is interpreted, how it is absorbed, or if consoling is needed, what’s the point of giving the news other than to be mean?
And how much news? How much of an explanation?
No, I have not told Pearlsky.
Would she understand? Who knows. Did she recognize Dad every time he came over? Yes. Did she smile and actually play a game with him? Yes. Does she have a concept of death? Beats me. We watch it on TV. But then, she may think that underwater sponges can make Krabby Patties. Has she seen him recently? No, it’s been a year.
Does she know? She had a horrible night last night. Up several times, obviously upset, not a physical issue. She probably heard me speaking to Dad’s friend of 70 years and his longtime golf partner.
Mom will be here next week. Without Dad (duh). Then what do I say?
And what will Mom say when I serve Krabby Patties for Thanksgiving?