“Heaven better be awesome” ~Kitz
Occasionally the topic of the severely disabled and abortion comes up here. We will NOT have any real discussion on it though. There was this post surrounding an email I received a few months back. Yesterday, a comment was added to the thread, this comment.
It is obvious that the commenter, Kitz, and I, come from different backgrounds. That is moot though.
The two topics are so heavily emotional in many ways. Leaving all spirituality out of it (impossible but I am SingleDad and I can do anything), when one looks at the severely disabled, when one lives with the severely disabled, cares for the severely disabled, shares DNA with the severely disabled, you find your world overwhelming. Emotions range from adoration to sheer terror. A close friend of mine used to define his big city policeman job, as 96% boredom and 4% terror. If he only knew. Unless you live it, you don’t know. Pearlsky is my world, totally and absolutely. Of course there is room, desire, for others, those others can have my love, fun, my hopes, my dreams, my ambitions, but I don’t need them sharing in my fears, my pain, the hassles. Life is tough enough. Pearlsky and David (who turned 18 yesterday) suck out of me the problem solving, the worrying, the pain and fears that live in my soul. (oops, bordering on spirituality, I don’t mean “soul” as in “soul” I mean “soul” as in that nebulous squishy grey thing that some say I have between my ears) All the crap in my life is wound up around them, should not the rest be easy?
Knowing within you is a new life, a life to join yours that will do this to you is confusing, scary, and let’s face it, not fair. Facing a choice that some say is wrong and will damn you to hell and others say is a natural choice and is okay just adds to the pain, fear, and confusion of life. Are you a martyr to bring someone so dependent into the world and sacrifice so much of yours? Yes, of course there are tremendously great things that come with these children, but is the balance as it should be? Who is to say? Is there a judge? A True Judge? Would I choose “another” Pearlsky or David if faced with the choice? I do not even comprehend the choice; I have never experienced a “normal” child.
We live with our choices. We try to do the best with what we have at the moment. Sometimes we choose correctly, sometimes not, but in actuality we never know if we made the right choice.
I have said many times, and it is as honest as I can be, that the one thing that scares me more than anything, more than my own death, is meeting Pearlsky in heaven where she will be able to talk.
I end this post with the last sentence that Kitz wrote in her comment yesterday …
Heaven better be awesome.
(political type comments will be removed)
I am certainly no expert in this scenario. As, I do not have disabled children, I don’t even have children. However, I have lived my own life, I’ve been a child. I know what horrors I’ve put my parents through. I am mentally ill, some say severely. This being the case, knowing and seeing what the adults in my life dealt with. The fear, the exhaustion, the anger, the hurt… and after reading all you’ve written, dare I say, I believe your children must admire you and appreciate you immensely every single day. You are their entire world, it sounds like. What you may not be realizing is, in their reality, this is the best it could possibly get for them. i doubt they need Heaven (but what do I know?) but what you have given them and the love you’ve shown them has been more than any God could provide 🙂