I told my mom she is not allowed to die. She told me to pass the turkey.
Obviously I did not have a choice. I had to tell Pearlsky that my dad was not going to be visiting.
Mom was to arrive early afternoon on Thursday. I started talking to Pearlsky in the morning, telling her that her aunt and grandmother were coming. I told her that grandpa was not going to be here.
She did not really react. That whole “duh … no, she cannot communicate” thing. I explained that grandpa became very sick and old. Yes, I did use the “d” word, once. It’s hard enough to just say the words “my dad died” let alone tell Pearlsky that her grandfather died.
Dead. Not coming over again. No more grandpa kisses. Ever. No, I did not share that. Not verbally.
I have no idea what she understood. Potentially, and very possibly, everything. Possibly nothing. Maybe just the tone of my voice.
Then mom and my sister arrived. Pearlsky smiled, but definitely knew something was different. There is no doubt she knew dad was not here.
She woke up repeatedly Thursday night. She has not done that in a very long time.
Oh, that makes me sad. My condolences to Pearlsky — may her awareness be such that she misses her grandfather but remembers his love.
::making message longer to satisfy your comment system::
I often wonder…what does Bennett comprehend, what will he be able to comprehend? How cruel am I for thinking some of the things I think? How callous am I for feeling some of the things I feel? Maybe callous is not the right word. Selfish is maybe a better one.
Yesterday I found myself comparing Bennett to my former dog, Parker. I found myself missing Parker a great deal. With Parker, I knew, or thought I did, where I stood. When I came in a room, Parker would react to me, he would wag his tail, he would come over, look at me, lick my face, climb into my lap (all 75 pounds of him), want to play.
When I left? Parker was so upset about it he would chew shit apart. And I mean he went crazy with separation anxiety. Still does.Yes, he is still alive, living in Colorado with one of Jennifer’s cousins, very old, still with some spunk, we had to let him go when Carter was born, he simply would not calm down around the kid. Kept bowling him over in excitement whenever I came in a room.
And his tail was like a hammer right in Carter’s head. Ultimately, we had to make the decicion to find Parker somewhere else to live, for the safety of Carter.
Bennett? When I enter or exit a room, most of the time I feel like he could care less. He doesn’t really let me hug him…he will on occassion but never for long and always as he is pulling away from it. He’s never kissed me and he stopped saying ‘Hi Daddy.’ well into his seizure times. Lately, even repeating the word ‘Daddy’ seems to be slipping away, I don’t even know why. Like he’s forgetting it.
This hurts on levels I cannot describe to people. I think you understand what this feels like, but most others do not. I just don’t know. And frankly, Bennett communicates WAY more than Pearlsky does, and I feel it on a level so deeply that there are days like yesterday where I ponder very strange thoughts, like why am I even here, so I can’t imagine how you learned how to deal with your emotions on the subject.
Well, hey…wait a minute…I don’t have to. I just had an idea. I just wrote half a blog here. For myself anyway…now let me ask you…and then maybe if its OK with you I’ll take your answer as the second half.
How DID you come to terms with it? You must have, at some point, come to some crossroads, some pivot point, where you realized you might not, if ever, be able to know for sure, how she feels, what she thinks, about…well about anything. How did you get through that? Can you talk about that experience? I need help with it, and seeing it through your eyes might be very helpful to me.
If you have the time…I know you’re busy and hell, you may have had it up to here with me lately. Besides, I know I’m not your Best Friend anymore…but for old times sake? 🙂
How do we know dog is man’s best friend? Take your wife and dog and put them in the trunk of your car. Drive around for 20 minutes, open the trunk, and see which one is glad to see you 😉 Not to make light of the previous comment but to acknowledge your situation. Can one ever comes to terms of not knowing and not having affection reciprocated? You are doing a good job Kenneth. You are doing a good job SD.
Pass the turkey.
‘Thought you might be interested:
@Ken That must be horrible, having a somewhat communicative son who just doesn’t show any emotion towards you.
My daughter is 2,5 years now and has recently started to actively give hugs (putting her arms around my neck while hugging) and saying “Mama is lief” aka “Mama is sweet”. And that feels so amazing, so wonderful. When I try to empathize with you I try to imagine the opposite of that feeling, and it damn near breaks my heart, just trying to imagine it.
I want to give you some words of encouragement or something, but it all seems like hollow phrases. I’ll just go with
I would say that while it certainly is a hard thing to have to deal with, there are worse things, like having no communication at all. At least he does do it, and he does show some emotion towards me, its just negative. But that’s just right now. Theoretically that means it could be different emotions at a different time, so that is something that I have to keep in mind, and I do.
When I wrote this…I was having a particularly bad day. Some of this all takes a lot of getting used to. Frankly I’m a little embarrassed that I went on and on about it. I was and am now primarily more concerned about his self-injury behavior and his hitting and biting of others than his ignoring me or failing to show me affection. I’ve had to teach myself what matters more. It’s a learning experience for me, this whole thing. I’m still VERY green.