“If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?” ~Stephen Wright

I need to admit I am having a hard time. I’ll get to that.

So it is legal to shoot a black kid if he’s armed with Skittles? WTF?

Legally mandating medically un-necessary, un-wanted ultrasounds before choosing to end a pregnancy? WTF?

I travel to essentially a foreign country (don’t ask) to help a family I am extraordinarily close with deal with the final hours of their beloved matriarch (a very special woman whom I wish I had met under other circumstances). One afternoon, my job was to deal with this great six-year-old boy. We were at the pool and then the beach. What you need to know is I have never swam in the ocean, never enjoyed swimming, just not my thing. So I am in the pool with him, playing and having fun and his mom is giving me (good natured) grief, especially at the beach …

That’s not playing! Swim with him! Jump the waves, come on, his grandfather who is 15 years older than you spends hours in the ocean with him. Show him how much fun it is! My dad puts you to shame!

Ouch. Oh, her father, the boy’s grandfather? An ex Navy Seal.

Doctor’s ignored the DNR while we were flying there … so she was still alive. Her body was, at least, not sure where her soul was. It was up to me to explain cold hard facts to the children of a dying 87 year-old woman. How do you explain that the woman you knew three weeks ago was never going to be back? How do you discuss the removal of a feeding tube vs. your mother starving to death in the way that “healthy” people might? They did not fight the ideas, just had trouble coming to grips with them. Lucky me, the logical one without a dog in this race.

One part really hurt, really hit home. The entire time, there was a woman in the hospital room, vigilant, at the dying woman’s side. She did not speak much, not at all to me, looked fairly emotionless, very dignified looking, a pretty woman. Sitting, making sure that the old woman always had someone there, she would not die alone. This was the woman’s adopted daughter. She was adopted as a newborn. It turns out that the father had tried to abort the child, causing brain damage, and the child was put up for adoption upon birth. And this now dying old woman, took her in, indicative of much of her life I would learn.

And I saw this, over several days. The old woman would not die alone. Minimally, her mentally disabled daughter would be with her. At her side, to be there just as the old woman was there for the infant, as she started her tough journey in life. When the old woman finally, peacefully, passed, the daughter did not cry, did not show emotion. I have no idea why, no idea what was going through her mind, but she knew her mom was gone. Gone to be with her god.

I don’t want Pearlsky sitting there when I pass. If it is in my capability, I will take her with me. But alas, I don’t know if anyone will be there. And I don’t want to die alone.

There were something like 94 items in my Google Reader today (shows me when blogs I read are updated, etc.). I have not been reading (nor writing) blogs the last few weeks. Life has been crazy. It is not a good thing, I need this community. Very much.

The last few days I have not wanted to get out of bed. That has never happened, and yes, I know that can be a sign of depression. I think it is more emotional and physical exhaustion but I am very self-aware and watching it. Nervously.

Have you been reading about Kelly and Chris (seven months already)? How about Rachael and Aria (can you believe some of that?)? And what would we do without Ken (damn, I’ll stop sending those emails, Ken, ok?)? And I will catch up with the rest of you …