“If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?” ~Stephen Wright
I need to admit I am having a hard time. I’ll get to that.
So it is legal to shoot a black kid if he’s armed with Skittles? WTF?
Legally mandating medically un-necessary, un-wanted ultrasounds before choosing to end a pregnancy? WTF?
I travel to essentially a foreign country (don’t ask) to help a family I am extraordinarily close with deal with the final hours of their beloved matriarch (a very special woman whom I wish I had met under other circumstances). One afternoon, my job was to deal with this great six-year-old boy. We were at the pool and then the beach. What you need to know is I have never swam in the ocean, never enjoyed swimming, just not my thing. So I am in the pool with him, playing and having fun and his mom is giving me (good natured) grief, especially at the beach …
That’s not playing! Swim with him! Jump the waves, come on, his grandfather who is 15 years older than you spends hours in the ocean with him. Show him how much fun it is! My dad puts you to shame!
Ouch. Oh, her father, the boy’s grandfather? An ex Navy Seal.
Doctor’s ignored the DNR while we were flying there … so she was still alive. Her body was, at least, not sure where her soul was. It was up to me to explain cold hard facts to the children of a dying 87 year-old woman. How do you explain that the woman you knew three weeks ago was never going to be back? How do you discuss the removal of a feeding tube vs. your mother starving to death in the way that “healthy” people might? They did not fight the ideas, just had trouble coming to grips with them. Lucky me, the logical one without a dog in this race.
One part really hurt, really hit home. The entire time, there was a woman in the hospital room, vigilant, at the dying woman’s side. She did not speak much, not at all to me, looked fairly emotionless, very dignified looking, a pretty woman. Sitting, making sure that the old woman always had someone there, she would not die alone. This was the woman’s adopted daughter. She was adopted as a newborn. It turns out that the father had tried to abort the child, causing brain damage, and the child was put up for adoption upon birth. And this now dying old woman, took her in, indicative of much of her life I would learn.
And I saw this, over several days. The old woman would not die alone. Minimally, her mentally disabled daughter would be with her. At her side, to be there just as the old woman was there for the infant, as she started her tough journey in life. When the old woman finally, peacefully, passed, the daughter did not cry, did not show emotion. I have no idea why, no idea what was going through her mind, but she knew her mom was gone. Gone to be with her god.
I don’t want Pearlsky sitting there when I pass. If it is in my capability, I will take her with me. But alas, I don’t know if anyone will be there. And I don’t want to die alone.
There were something like 94 items in my Google Reader today (shows me when blogs I read are updated, etc.). I have not been reading (nor writing) blogs the last few weeks. Life has been crazy. It is not a good thing, I need this community. Very much.
The last few days I have not wanted to get out of bed. That has never happened, and yes, I know that can be a sign of depression. I think it is more emotional and physical exhaustion but I am very self-aware and watching it. Nervously.
Have you been reading about Kelly and Chris (seven months already)? How about Rachael and Aria (can you believe some of that?)? And what would we do without Ken (damn, I’ll stop sending those emails, Ken, ok?)? And I will catch up with the rest of you …
Breathe. We’ll be here waiting and we are all very patient.
Much love to you and yours xx
Wishing I had words, but then again, maybe it is better I didn’t. Just sending love across the miles.
Oh, dear. I have missed you so much, Single Dad and was perhaps erroneously thinking that you had found the perfect woman and were purposely avoiding the sad sacks of the internet. Oy.
I’m sending my love, as always.
Very moving images. And… a lot of resonance.
I remember when you had that terrible back injury…so many people came to help you so quickly! I cannot imagine things would be any different later, you know. You are so generous, it always comes back to you.
“If it is in my capability, I will take her with me” Yes, my sentiment exactly…I do know what you say and I understand fully….Warm regards … Nothing will separate my son and myself!
Years back when my life was simple there was an episode on ER where an elderly woman was dying and she was poisoning her downsyndrom daughter because she couldn’t leave this world w/o her there was no one that would care for her or love her just for being her. I cried thinking then that I understood that story line…….that story line is now my future. I understand it now with not just my mind but with my heart and soul. Fight the depression single dad,don’t let it swallow you.
I’m happy you posted. It was the best e-mail I received last week! My ultimate hope is that I outlive Hannah. If there really is no one to take on her daily care, yes, I would want to take her with me.
Glad to see you back SD. Hope things start to get better…
I feel like the whole shooting of the black kid is opening up opportunity for more violence. There was a big gathering of hooded people in the city of Cincy and according to witnesses; you could feel the tension in the air. I think the situation wouldn’t be nearly as big if it were a same race situation. I think it’s a reason to throw some wood on the racism fire. It’s never going to end this way. This is just my two cents. 🙂
Mandy, the whole reason this situation IS big is BECAUSE it is a different race situation. People are reacting to systemic racism. If you think THAT’s “throwing wood on the racism fire,” you are perhaps overlooking the fact that a man got away with shooting an innocent black child. That’s not “throwing wood,” that’s a disgusting outrage of justice NOT done.
I understand about not wanting to get out of bed and wanting nothing more than to be unconscious. Life can be terribly hard and ironically, it’s the ones we love who, often through no fault of their own, cause us the most pain.
It may not help you, but when I am in a bad way I think about the horrendous experiences that some of my ancestors endured (religious persecution, the Battle of Gettysburg, being lost at sea and presumed dead) and my situation seems a bit brighter in comparison. It also helps to read Cherry-Garrard’s “The Worst Journey in the World.” Those guys had a REALLY rough time of it.
Work is another savior. Being busy leaves one little time to brood.
I hope you feel better soon. Life may have good surprises in store for you.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you!
You disappeared again. Worried. *squishy hugs*
I know I cannot/do not walk in your shoes but you know I am always here if you need an ear!