Gimky, she of Once Upon a Snowflake, has stopped blogging. That in its own right is unfortunate, but I must say, Gimky, you now have WAY too much time on your hands.
Do you ever take requests? So there are a few things as a reader I would love to know about your story, in case you ever become hard pressed to come up with a topic! (But obviously you have enough material day to day!)
How did you and your ex decide which child each would care for? Why did you ultimately divorce? Do you think your ex feels any remorse for kind of washing her hands of the kids? What kind of will have you drawn up (in the process now and being urged to draw up a special needs trust fund for which my son’s older brother will eventually oversee – though what it can ever amount to I have no idea!)? What happens if you are no longer around to care for Pearlsky?
Take care for now, super dad.
Let’s take these one at a time.
Do you ever take requests?
Absolutely not. What type of fool do you take me for?
How did you and your ex decide which child each would care for?
When Pearlsky was born, I brought my business into the house and did most of the care. Very early on we traveled across country for a three month job my ex had and I was full time with Pearlsky. We bonded very strongly. Also, in the beginning, it was easier for me to deal with the “issues.” I strongly believe that in many cases the impact of a severely disabled child is harder on the mom, at least at first, since the kid did come out of her. This is not logical, but emotional, wrapped with misplaced guilt, etc. By the time my son was born, I was Pearlsky’s primary caretaker. There were several times where I strongly suggested we “switch” but that never happened. I never really got to bond with my son the same way. That really hurts.
Why did you ultimately divorce?
To this day, that is not really clear why she decided to leave. Multiple times, during the three months of couple’s therapy, the therapist and I would just look at each other and shrug. No reason has ever been stated for her wanting to leave, she still considers me her best friend, our relationship (and sex) was fine, if not great, during the last few months. The divorce could have been ugly, it was anything but.
In hindsight, I think a combination of the two disabled kids, her having a strong profession, the atmosphere in which she was raised, my dedication to Pearlsky, and more, probably contributed. But, alas, I don’t know. I don’t think she really does, either.
Do you think your ex feels any remorse for kind of washing her hands of the kids?
That’s a bit harsh. She has always done the best that she could with what she had. She kept my son for a couple of years, but then the combination of a new husband who is very anti-kid, physical limitations, and other issues, she did what she felt was best and that was to find, and advocate for, the best residential program. Once he was there, she did rise to the occasion and is a wonderful mom with the caveat that he is in a residential program. She is there very often, is very involved.
She has not bonded with Pearlsky as one would hope. She is doing the best she can with what she has.
If I have given the impression that she “washed her hands” of the kids, that is not correct. Is she the mother I would hope for my kids? Is she there for them as much as one would want?
What kind of will have you drawn up?
My ex gets full custody / guardianship. All moneys that I have allocated for the kid’s care goes into a trust that is controlled by my lawyer. We are working on a “special needs” trust currently. If my ex is no longer, my sister steps in. But then, it is all moot when the LHC fires up full speed, causes a black hole, and life as we know it ceases to exist.
What happens if you are no longer around to care for Pearlsky?
You can bet your sweet snowflake I’m taking her with me.
But, if the Holy One, blessed be He decides to mess with me yet again, and takes me first … there are a couple of people who have given me their word they would help look after Pearlsky. Two of her ex-nannies, phenominal women who will outlive me, would work with my ex to make sure that Pearlsky gets the best care. I assume she would be placed in an appropriate residence. There is just so much I can do, or not, other than trust those that love us to do the right thing. Both my ex and my sister are older than me, not the best choices for that reason. The nannies are younger. Then there’s always Aphrodite and the others that somehow look after us …
There probably is no more difficult question.
What differences to you see in raising Pearlsky at home vs. you son being raised at a residential facility?
Sorry, you didn’t ask that question. Too bad, it’s a good one.