So I saw my son yesterday. He is in a residential program in another state, after the divorce he went with my wife, then she could not deal with him at home. I would have taken him, still want to, but I cannot logistically deal with two severely disabled children at home.

It broke my heart. I seem him monthly or so. He is now at that age where boys (young men) really grow, just after they turn 13. He is taller and bigger. His disabilities seem to be worsening, something I did not think possible. His posturing (hands, arm, feet) is worse. His vocalizations are more inappropriate (responses to apparently nothing). His demeanor is worse.

I do not think any of this is because of where he is. It is a wonderful place. Maybe it is just him. Maybe it is because he is not in a loving home. I don’t know. I don’t blame myself, of course, but I do, of course. Yeah, makes no sense.

His sister is doing so much better. She does not regress. Her disabilities stay the same. Her issues are different than his even though the core diagnosis is the same.

How do I explain to myself how devestating it is to visit my own son?


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