Filicide and other fun stuff
There is another one of those articles out there … Parents of autistic children speak out on Sunnyvale murder-suicide. The gist of the article is, well, here is the beginning of it …
Taking care of autistic children is hard enough, but caring for them when they grow up can test a parent’s resolve like nothing else.
When a Sunnyvale woman fatally shot her 22-year-old autistic son and then herself this week, empathetic parents of autistic children, young or old, spilled out their frustration, anguish and opinions on the Internet and in interviews with reporters.
I have spoken about this before. I have several thoughts today …
- Autistic? Screw you. I’d kill for a kid that was autistic. Now, don’t yell at me, this is my gut speaking, I have a kid that cannot communicate AT ALL, cannot feed herself, cannot toilet herself, well, can’t do ANYTHING. Yeah, I’ll trade you, how dare you kill your kid. I wish my kid would run out of control and hit me. Damn.
- Yes, I know that last bullet is unfair and wrong. I don’t know your shoes, you don’t know mine.
- I so understand this. I so understand what that story is about.
- One sentence really got to me … “While they don’t condone or excuse what Elizabeth Hodgins did, parents interviewed by this newspaper said they understood what would drive a parent of an autistic child to commit such a senseless act.” Does that even make sense? If they “understood” then how can you call it “senseless”? Can something be senseless yet understood? Maybe. Maybe it’s me, but that wording bugs me.
- Another blogger wrote about this story, and quoted me at some length. Want to know who it is? I ain’t telling you! Why not? For some bizarre reason he went out of his way to hide that it was me he was quoting! No link, even removing Pearlsky’s name! I don’t get it. But hey, I was quoted so that’s positive, even if no one knows. Strange.
Filicide (killing one’s own kid) is wrong. Filicide / suicide is wrong. Having a plan to implement if your own death is impending that results in filicide is wrong.
Convincing a doctor to up the dose of a loved one’s morphine to enable a dignified ending is wrong.
I do a lot of things wrong. Pearlsky will list them to me in heaven. Can’t wait.
But wait I will. Hopefully a long time.
David, my son. He’s in a residential facility about two hours away. I say “about” since I have not been there for months, I don’t remember exactly how long it takes me to get there.
It hurts, the pain of visiting him is probably worse than the pain of not visiting him. I don’t expect you to understand that as even Aphrodite did not. She visited him with me and never understood why it was so devastatingly difficult. Never understood why I had tears in my eyes leaving when he looked good and well treated.
I lie when people ask me if I have seen David. I make excuses when they say they would love to come for a visit with me …
How could I not want to see my son? It is horrendous how I feel that I could not take him in with me at the divorce, for many logistic and other reasons, or that I cannot care for him now in our home. So why can’t I visit him?
There is no way to explain it. But I will tell you this … since Aphrodite put her severely disabled child in a residence, she gets it. Completely and totally.
Do you understand why it pains so much to see David? Am I wrong in not forcing myself to see him more? Don’t even think of answering unless you really really know …
By the way, I think I’m back.
Glad you are back.
THANK YOU for speaking out against ‘merciful’ filicide!
I’d say that yeah, you are back.
I am so tempted to try to answer that last question about David. I sometimes think that I understand some a FEW things about Life and Pain and Self. But then I get so goddamn intimidated when I think of you looking at what I might be saying over my shoulder I get cold feet. Fucker.
I missed you…sniff.
There is nothing in this world that infruates me more than that damn colorful puzzle piece every where I go…especially on cars! No I don’t want to donate to find a cure for autism….there is no one searching for a cure for my daughters disease she was diagnosed as 1 in 12 in the world that has it. She is severely disabled. I would sell my soul for her to hit me, for her to yell at me….by the way glad you are back from the dark side.
WOW.. Ok.. Few things.
1) As a gut reaction, I see what you are saying. I can understand how Autism would be an improvement of sorts. I respect your courage to say so. I was defensive initially, but got over it quickly, when I thought about it more.
As for Ivy above??? HELL NO. I deserve the damn brightly colored puzzle piece. I have my scars, my war wounds, my mother of a special child badge. I have THREE children on the spectrum. THREE. It absolutely SUCKS that your child’s illness isn’t receiving attention and funding. DO something about it. Post about it, blog about it, scream about it. Do whatever the hell you have to. I’ll be right there for you, WITH you if you want me. But don’t you dare diminish someone else’s suffering or illness because you aren’t getting a fair shake.
You don’t know my life. You have NO idea what Autism means to me or anyone else unless you ARE them. The woman/beast who took her own child’s life? WRONG. Period. No discussion. But don’t fucking dismiss me and mine in a special needs pissing contest. Take your anger and use it to benefit your kid. If you want me to stand with you? I’ll be in the house with the Blue light bulb.
I have two children on the spectrum and they are my only two children. Props. I love the puzzle piece, personally. And it's nice, no offense, to actually see another mom out there that has more than one kid on the spectrum. I'm the only one in our area. It's a struggle and every day is difficult but my kids are MINE and they are AMAZING. I'd rather have them as they are, than not have them at all. And if Ivy wants to spread awareness about her child's disability, I go to college and have some friends that love to spread awareness.
As an autistic person myself, I don’t like the puzzle piece, either. I am a human, not a puzzle. I am constantly changing every minute. There’s simply no way you can figure anyone out, never mind someone with autism.
And I’ve suffered. A lot. Society has greatly contributed to my suffering. There’s no way you can ethically use a ‘disability-suffering’ argument without acknowledging the ‘society-suffering’ side of it.
The puzzle piece is for me, not my sons. Frankly, I don’t know if they care that it exists or not. For me, it is an outward sign of change. I do not deny society induced suffering. The puzzle piece to me is an outward symbol of the beginning of change. More acceptance, understanding, tolerance, open mindedness etc. All of those things would reduce society induced suffering.
I’m not making any kind of an argument whatsoever, disability-suffering or otherwise. I am hoping that I am helping another parent see that disability is disability and as parents we should stand together. Not hate on one group or another because they have more awareness. We need to hold each other up, slap each other around when the need for self-pity arises, and live another day.
Okay. I’m not going to change your opinion.
“Autistic? Screw you. I’d kill for a kid that was autistic. Now, don’t yell at me, this is my gut speaking, I have a kid that cannot communicate AT ALL, cannot feed herself, cannot toilet herself, well, can’t do ANYTHING. Yeah, I’ll trade you, how dare you kill your kid. I wish my kid would run out of control and hit me. Damn.”
Autism would be nice comparatively. My kid just got her diagnosis after three years of not knowing, she can’t do a damn thing either, and here’s a weird one for you SG, I feel the same way about Pearlsky’s disorder, although I’d still prefer Autism. Yeah, there’s always the flipside, I get it, less time suffering, but so much less time with my baby. Uncomfortable feet in any shoes, I wish to be barefoot…
Please be careful not to equate high functionning Aspergers with “autism” as a whole. It is a spectrum. I know children on the spectrum who are incapable of functionning in the world at all…crawl, instead of walk, for instance, do not talk, but scream and self-abuse. And when they get big…get out of the way. I think SD’s grandmother (was it her?) had it right when she said, at the end of the night, once you’ve looked everyone else’s cards over, you will take home your own.
Actually, the son that was murdered was considered “high-functioning”. The stress of caring for somebody is NOT an excuse for murder.
oh, and welcome back sD (not G), sorry.
I hope my previous comment will not be misconstrued to mean that I think it is “ok” to kill a child on certain levels of the autism spectrum.
Anon, I’m afraid it just might be. 🙁
Good god. I wasn’t even referring to the killing part, just the trading one disability for another part. Clear now?
I kind of figured that out after the fact. I was afraid others wouldn’t. Understand?
1) With two sons on the Autism spectrum, you would definitely be changing one hell for another. I think we can all agree that disabilities that have such significant negative impacts on our babies, our families and us just SUCK; they all SUCK in different ways.
2) My daughter has been in a residence for 4 years. Last year we had to move her to a new home that is 7 hours away from us. I have not seen her in a year. Like you, the visits are hard — hard on me and hard on her. She regresses every time we tried to visit and as she can communicate, the visits usually end with her screaming at us. I hate when people ask if we have seen her — they always manage to make me feel like crap that we couldn’t handle her.
I don’t really know, so I’m not going to try to pretend and understand… but I hope you find an answer that brings you peace, no matter what you decide.
Well Jennifer not to get in a tit for tat but you claim to see what the gut reaction means. Thefore the rest of the post was for your benefit of venting not for ours. Just as perhaps my st was for the benefit of my venting, and understanding where single dad come from. I need no badge for her disease I carry it with my every time I push her, wipe her, wash her,feed her, change her, fight for her, on and on as I have been for the past thirteen years (today is her birthday, bitter sweet for me). We began this journey together when I was 23, it was a jump in the middle of the ocean without knowing how to swim. Good luck may the ocean always rise to meet you.
It is not about venting. It was about feeling attacked because in your mind, Autism is better than another disability. In some weird way and in some cases that may be true, but as someone said above, it isn’t always. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. So instead of “tit for tat” we should all try to recognize that Disability can SUCK. No matter what the disability is. And as Parents of the disabled, we should stand together to fight for them and to support each other. So that parents don’t do stupid things in desperation and fear, like the woman in the story SD was discussing.
BTW, in all sincerity. Happy Birthday to both you and your daughter. Thirteen is a milestone, no matter your child’s ability. You must be doing a wonderful job with her to have brought her so far. Congratulations, and Happy birthday.
I get your point, but autism is not BETTER. My son is severely autistic and he can have outbursts (i.e. hit,push,kick or throw things). I am afraid that you know not of what you speak. Even though he is mobile and even-tempered much of the time, lack of verbal language and these outbursts restrict his world and our world. I homeschool because it was a danger zone for him in the world of outside schools and services. He was going to end up in an alternative school or the justice system. He does not deserve that, but it does not mean the 24/7 care here is a land of rainbows and unicorns either. If you would like him to come to your house for an extended period, make sure your internet connection is sturdy, get ready to memorize Sesame Street and Barney and do a fridge check to make sure he isn’t getting into frozen food that needs to be cooked. Watch your bathroom to make sure he doesn’t head out sans clothes to the proximity of a nearby window. Lock up all of your DVDs and foods that you don’t want to head to his collection as he loves to appropriate and tap on a DVD.
You get me. And I do get you-my first cousin was brain-damaged and like an infant except for her size. She stayed with my aunt and uncle until late teens and then passed away in a nursing home when they could not
longer handle her care. Disability-of all kinds-is not easy. But, we love our families and “thou shalt not kill.” I agree wholeheartedly there. I do think the Sunnyvale mom was out of her mind with clinical depression, but that does not excuse her action. Let’s support each other rather than compare.
Exactly!
SD acknowledges it is not a true statement, just how he reacts instinctively. That is the difference for me. I can accept that feeling.
Welcome back SD, it’s good to hear from you again! I always enjoyed reading your blog because it challenges the way I think.
What is so wrong with admitting some disabilities really are more severe than others? That much should be obvious.
I have a 5 year old Autistic son who is non verbal, not toilet trained, and this morning was violently headbutting and punching me and shrieking with rage.
BUT.. SDs situation is much harder I think. Our Autistic children’s behaviours can be changed, there are things to work with there..they can walk, they can move, they can feed themselves (messy I’ll admit!).
When I read through SDs blog or those of others with severely disabled children it makes me realise how grateful I should be for the things my boy can do, and our situation.
I know its probably sorry if thats un PC, but its how I feel. I reckon SD would be a great parent of an Autistic child, and his point is completely valid.
I wish more people would have read the post and agreed that killing your children is wrong and not start to defend who has it worse.
Autism is not even an illness and even if an autistic kid can’t speak communication is possible.
The point is, don’t kill your children, don’t say killing children is right, don’t say you can understand murdering your kid. That’s all.
Again, killing is wrong. PERIOD. Not a stranger, your child, etc. This woman should NOT have taken her child’s life. I don’t think any one here is disputing that.
I don’t think it’s wrong to say that some disabilities are “worse.” I DO think it’s wrong to dismiss a disability or have anger or bitterness toward another disability because it is receiving more visibility in the media. To be jealous of them.. To be irritated by them. That is wrong, unfair, and demeaning.
Disabled Dad, let me tell you…
I am mom to a my 13 year old severely, disabled daughter. She’s everything as disabled as many of our kids; mentally, physically AND has a diagnosis of Autism. Now, lucky us…we’ve pretty much discovered that despite suffering hypoxia prior to her birth which caused her swiss-cheese-like holes throughout her brain, my daughter may very well have suffered from Autism despite it all. Now, how do I know this or think it might actually be true?? Well, my husband and I thought it nice to give our younger daughter a sibling who might actually smile, play and not yell at her all the time…SO (like dummies) we went ahead and had another baby. That dear little baby is now 3 years old…and AUTISTIC. She is challenging you bet…and I sometimes wonder if life would seem almost “easier” having to deal only with her Autistic behaviors vs. physically devastating issues as well…like my oldest daughter. NO WAY…BOTH kids wring me out every single day. No one more than the other. Problems are problems…they emotionally and physically devour us as parents.
SD I have just stumbled upon your blog and find it both fascinating and challenging. I have an 8 year son who has a very rare genetic disorder, he can walk, has some speech and is medically well. He also has very challenging behaviour and autism. He was kicked our of mainstream school at age 6 as they ” could not cope with his behaviour”. My feelings about your post are mixed, yes I admire your honesty in saying that you would trade your childs disability with autism and I can see why you would feel like that, envy is a basic human emotion and to admit to feeling it is brave. There is a but, you don’t know how it feels to parent my child anymore than I know how it feels to parent yours. My childs disability is hidden, so I do need badges and labels for my child,.without them he is seen to be ” naughty, out of control” and I am labelled an inadequate,feckless parent. sadly some of the worst criticism I have come across has been from parents of profoundly disabled children. Be honest fine but respect me for the challenges my life has just.as I respect your challenges.
I think SD does respect our challenges. I think he has a wonderful habit of laying his base feelings, and thoughts out there. I don’t honestly believe that he is trying to diminish what raising an Autistic child is like. He is saying that murder is wrong. Ivy on the other hand is verbally attacking another disabled community, because she is jealous. She thinks that Autism means our children can always walk, talk, do things with intent and thought, function in society. Not eat their freaking excrement, lego men, and a roll of toilet paper after cramming their ears full of Moon Dough.. (AHEM.. Sorry, yesterday was long). She is the one I, personally, took issue with. SD is just thinking out loud. Even I can admit some wistful thinking about lesser disabled children. Doesn’t mean I hate their parents or think they aren’t suffering too. That said:
BRAVO on explaining the need for symbols!
Agree SD is “only laying out base feelings” , he is being honest and discussing something that is usually very taboo ,in an open way. I have to say I suspect he enjoys the controversy and debate it causes and I must admit I do too! I often think to myself that we are lucky that my son can walk and talk, but this does not negate hthe ongoing stress and exhaustion that I experience on a daily basis in caring for him. It also does not change that he will never be able to live an independent life as he will more than likely outlive me I will be caring for him for the rest of my life. His condition is so rare 1 in a million, that there is no badge or even a name and yet to the general public he looks no different to any other child. I latch onto the autism label because it is one of the things that helps others to understand why he behaves like he does. Jennifer had to smile about your description of yesterday as it sounds all too familiar! I totally agree that attacking other disabled community is not useful, except perhaps to Ivy who gets to vent her anger about her situation on those of us who are also struggling to raise disabled children. I also feel that part of the problem is that autism is as we know a spectrum condition with some individuals much more severely affected than others. I can see how this can make Autism appear a condition that is easier to deal with than a more obvious and profound disability. I would however challenge anyone claiming autism is the easy option to spend a week with a severely autistic child and then let me know if they still think autism is the easier/ better option
Caroline, I think we just might make great friends 🙂
Hmm I never post however I feel compelled this afternoon. I have two autistic sons and I too dislike the puzzle car magnet. It is difficult! however the ways are drastically different from pearl sky’s dad or ivy or anyone else who’s has a handicap severely disabled child…no one other post directly or indirectly acted an individual or their child…..but reading and Reading responces seems to show some people personally attacking. A wise person once said feelings are just that feelings they can never be right or wrong. I think if you find yourself being defensive here then the real issues you have may not be a blogger but who you see in the mirror. Now I know I will see MARIA in many a posts to come, but as a fellow autistic roaring perhaps you can digest this and not react. This too is only my feeling. I hate the puzzle because my boys are defined by more then a missing piece, they are a handful to say Miley however they are complete not lacking. And I need not pin it on my sleeve, they already stand out enough. Thank you for your time. And my hat is off to pearl sky’s dad, and others like him…no greener grass there for me!
I am having a bit of difficulty understanding some of your post, so if I am misinterpreting, please forgive me. I don’t expect anyone to like or dislike the puzzle piece itself. It could be a square for all I care. It makes me feel good, so I use it. If it doesn’t do that for you, don’t use it. I don’t see it like you do, but that isn’t a problem for me. To each his own.
Let’s use an example in this case, shall we? If there was a symbol of some kind for Aspergers, and your child is more severely affected.. Do you hate the people with Aspergers? Because they have it “better” than you? Because they are receiving support when you are receiving less than them? And to do so publicly? I doubt you would dream of doing that. That is what Ivy did that made me feel the need to defend those who chose to use the Puzzle Piece.
AGAIN, I am clarifying. I am not being defensive in regard to anything but Ivy’s one post. I do not know her, and cannot imagine living her life, walking in her shoes. It takes a lot of pain to make a statement like she did.
I am having a really wonderful dialog and enjoying it, which I would think is SD’s intention (but I don’t want to presume). I am not angry or upset, sad, fearful or anything really. I want to make sure people are aware that Autism can be a very severe disability as well.
Also clarifying.. This post by SD was about a woman who killed her child because of “autism.” I think it was about a heck of a lot more than that, but in the media? That’s why.. WRONG… Period.
Good to meet you….however do you see that you have done it again? I did not name you, I was general in my statement yet you jumped up. You also again went after a blogger who probably as you me and the other 20 blogger was simply stating a feeling, personal attacking gets away from dialog. By the way this is my last blog about this because I don’t understand the hostility andnowaimed at me as well. Face itsomeof us DO have it lesser than others, some of us are stronger weaker and some of us MEincluded do not look at autism and my guys are sever as a severe disability. I have no malice inme as I believe no one else within our community does,but we all have feelings. My children from what I read are easier than pearlsky and others. We have in the moment issues they have to care for newest passes as new borne for life. By the way I have no pain anger resentment and you should not presume that others are in pain. Or that others feelings are attacks on you or their character. No one else is wagging fingers here, we read we feel we may remark we move on. I was compelled to blog although I cannot type and this after year’s my only 2nd blog,I feel some people need to relax relate release breath perhaps apologize for high school girl actions and then move on.
Wasn’t sure you were talking to me, but I am the only one on here at the moment so I responded.
I again, apologize if you felt I was attacking you… Because I certainly was NOT intending to attack you.
You are right, some of us do not look at Autism as a severe disability.. It isn’t ALWAYS anything. Severe, mild, verbal, non, toilet trained or not. They aren’t the same, IT isn’t the same. It is possible that it is, however.
Why the heck everyone is intentionally choosing to see what I am saying as personal or attacking is beyond me, when I am specifically going out of my way to chose my wording and have never made so much use of the word clarifying in my life.
Screw it, this isn’t an intellectual discussion anymore. It has totally lost the appeal of hearing from others and their opinions and MAYBE learning from each other. It get hit enough at home from my “Non-severely disabled” disabled kids. I don’t need it here by choice.
The woman killed her son because of her own inability to deal (i.e.: an 11 on the Universal Shit-O-Meter) with life which I am sure was complicated, if not overrun by, her son’s condition. The fact that he had the label of “autism” is moot, it is all about her dealing with whatever was on her plate.
There is no doubt that autism takes all sorts of forms and levels of “involvement,” from mild to severe. My saying that I am jealous of someone with an autistic child, or saying that I would trade Pearlsky’s “disease” for another, is simply an emotional statement, not a rational or logical one.
I am allowed to be jealous, even if misplaced. I may not be allowed to act on it, and it may not make sense to you.
I hope you all have read the more recent posts, I talk about comparing a bit more.
Discussions are welcome, encouraged, but let’s not get personal. We are talking emotions here, and they are not always rational, nor deemed “valid” or “correct” by others. But, alas, sometimes they are all we have.
Single Dad,
People have probably dealt with more shit than this women did (disability-related or not), and managed to not kill their kids. She might’ve been dealing with an 11. Other people have dealt with 110. She did this, ultimately, because society doesn’t value the lives of disabled people.
SD, I don’t want to presume who you are writing for at this time. I appreciate your making me think. You have done so in the past, and continue to challenge my thinking. I hope I have become a more open minded person because of your willingness to share your raw emotions with us all.
I hope more than anything, that I have made myself clear (AGAIN lol) that I am not in any way criticizing you for your feelings in this post.
I would love to make a clean break but I doubt I can. I read here because some of the Autism parent blogs are all rosy, cute and funny… And my life just.. ISN’T. That isn’t MY Autism. I like being able to read someone Else’s deep seated emotions and steam valve mine off as well, if vicariously at best. If YOU feel (as this is your space) that I am being “high school girlish,” “attacking” etc, I will respectfully bow off and not comment here or on any posts again. I pretty much give up at this point. If not, I am probably just done on this subject.
Jennifer: I had abandoned the shit-o-meter swap meet, but I wanted to say that I will be glad to be your autism parent pen-pal if you need one. My feeling is that isolation is the worst of this gig and I do think some of these sad stories have isolation as a factor. That’s the one part that I can relate to when I see these tragic deaths ( I include the professor whose autistic son killed her with no realization of the consequence). Connecting can make a real difference to everyone, I think- so I dislike it when barriers are thrown up that make people feel more alone. Single Dad can send you my e-mail address if you would like to do this.
On a lighter note,I am thrilled that you aren’t scared of my son, Single Dad. You could give a presentation to some of the professionals we have encountered in the past. I think their shit-o-meters were on the low side-maybe 1 or 2.
Marie,
I would love that. Sometimes this stuff IS cute and sweet, and sometimes it just sucks. I don’t care how un-pc that is. You have been through where I am now, and are in the land of what scares the living hell out of me. Look forward to talking to you.
I wished I didn’t subscribed to those comments. I feel like a species of monsters that is born to destroy my parents lives, it doesn’t help that people told me this and people write like this, I just saw an image from a parent saying they wished their severely disabled child would die so they can go back to living and how hard it’s to love us, they put this on the autism tag because like most people that person didn’t noticed we can read and didn’t care, so forgive me is this a bit too much. I know no one will agree and will maybe be offended but since everyone is being honest I can do that too.
I guess that’s why existential guilt, depression, isolation and even suicide are common for us.
“the Autism parent blogs are all rosy, cute and funny…” I never saw those but if you mean the more positive ones they are the reason I feel I still have a chance to make my parents happy that I was born, sorry if they make you feel isolated.
Just being honest too, since this is recommended here.
Wow. First, let me say that there is absolutely NOTHING hard about loving my children. That is the easy part. To love them without end. Always, forever, and for who they are. I love everything about them. It can be fun, funny, cute and sweet, but honey (endearingly using the term, not being snide) NOTHING in life is always that way. Even in the best situations, things can be hard, hurtful and complicated. It isn’t the children that make life hard or hurtful. It is the fact that we want the most and very best for the ones we love. Sometimes disabilities scare a parent in a way that any challenge that causes their child hardship causes a parent. We want our children to have a smooth easy peaceful life. Autism and other disabilities makes that harder. Who doesn’t want to help someone they love when times are tough?
I’m eternally sorry if your parents have made you feel like a hardship. I would love nothing more than a chance to show you that people can love you for you. That doesn’t mean that life is going to be easy or that it is easy to get along with all people at all times, but unconditional, unending love should never EVER be a concern.
Gosh, I don’t even know you and I am crying and love you? How can I not?
A.L.
No matter how your parents deal with their frustrations, try to remember that they are frustrated because they LOVE you.
As for the ignorant people who said you destroy your parents lives well REMEMBER this their ignorance is their problem not yours.
Parents a human and sometimes we are overwhelmed and behave badly but we ALWAYS love our babies….you are loved.
I take no position on the right or wrong of what that woman did. I’m just surprised that folks here who, like I, have a disabled child, have the nerve to pass judgment on her. I teach special ed, too, and i know I have it easier than some, worse than some. I also know that I have no freaking right to even THINK I know what life is like for any other parent of a disabled child. My child can talk – and I cherish that – except when her frontal lobe spiking causes her to be so aggressive that I’ve a number of very serious injuries from her. What a bunch of self-righteous people some of you have portrayed yourselves to be in these comments.