Failure to parent
My son was born two years after my daughter. She was still undiagnosed, he seemed fine, at first. He nursed, although not that well, eat a bit, when pushed, and was growing. At eight months there were some seizures. As with his sister at that time, still undiagnosed.
At about a year old, the doctor proclaimed …
What we have is a failure to parent.
At least, that is what was heard. Loud and clear.
Of course, what she really said was …
What we have is a case of failure to thrive.
Is there a difference? Not to a parent, or more specifically (in my opinion) to a mother. I think this diagnosis hits the mom especially hard. It truly sounds like …
You are not able to get enough food into your child and s/he is failing to live. Of all things a mother should be able to do is to feed her progeny. And, we carefully choose our words. “Failure” as in what you are. “Thrive” as in live.
We know that is not what is meant, nor the reason. But, when the child is (apparently) eating, nursing, etc. the term and diagnosis is devastating.
We need to install a g-tube.
Oh, great. Surgery and a way to feed my kid since not only is he messed up, but I am a failure. Totally. Completely.
You will thank us for it within a week. Trust me.
We finally had our minds wrapped around this, and yes, a g-tube was the solution. We set up the time for surgery, the day before we took our son in for some pre-surgery stuff and blood work.
The morning of surgery, when they come out to get us …
I am sorry, but we cannot do the surgery today. The blood test shows he has hemophilia.
Who knew? How is it that one nightmare connects to the next?
A month later they put in the g-tube. Two weeks after that, we thanked the doctor. Feeding was no longer a fight and proper weight gain was in sight.
My daughter? No, no g-tube. Every gastro visit the doctor reminds me that it is my decision, he will gladly put one in if I want. Her weight is fine.
blah blah blah blah blah
About four years ago, a doctor suggested Carnation Instant Breakfast Drink to help with my daughter’s unexplained weight loss. He threatened a g-tube if she didn’t gain quickly. I heard it also as a vague implication that I wasn’t “doing the right thing.” I check out the Carnation at the grocery store and was appalled to see what it was made of. To make a long story short, I went to a naturopath who suggested a supplement that was made of whole ingredients (not corn syrup and hydrogenated fats) and she slowly got better, gained weight, was put into balance.
We had that problem, with a g-tube and my daughter on 4-5 cans of pediasure dripped into her for 20 hours a day. It was “failure to absorb”, boneheads. After watching her starve for a while, got into the uber supplements…esp. amino acids. Bingo. Suddenly she’s OK. Took a year to teach her how to eat again and now the tube is for supplementation and extra fluids only.
Elizabeth: Good for you for not giving in to the “threat” … just reading that word made me shake my head.
Claire: That is exactly what I would do for my daughter if it comes to it, food by mouth, meds or hydration by tube. Not there (yet).