I started down a hole a while ago. Not so much digging, but either being dragged or following, I am not sure. When told “up” was “down,” I believed it, for why not? I can be a trusting soul when it comes to things not involving Pearlsky or David. When told by one you love that the sky is green, why not believe it, even if you know it is blue?
The hole became deep. Maybe I added to the digging, I don’t know, but I found myself not blogging, not interested to the extent in the past about my profession, communicating less with those around me who truly loved me – those who would assure me the sky is blue, and up is, well, “up.”
There are some that live in “survivor mode.” They live for the moment, the day at most, doing whatever, saying whatever, just to get through the day. Never thinking of the consequences, never taking tomorrow into account, for all that matters is surviving today. “Don’t anger, disappoint, or hurt anyone for any reason because it will hurt you” turns into a lifestyle of continual lies that just cause pain, anger and disappointment; the truth and reality cannot be changed, only hidden, and for all the wrong reasons. And if this is happening around you, close to you, to you, it is you who falls into the hole and in the darkness you cannot see where you are.
I grew up not lying, not experiencing lies as far as I know. I still don’t. Yeah, sure, maybe about what I bought you for your birthday, or something on that level. I don’t get it. I don’t know how one changes under duress, under years of trauma, but I know the end result. I have seen the demons that arise from it, not my demons, mind you, but they reach out and grab others by the throat.
Trying to get back to myself over the past few months. Almost there. Hope I have some friends left. Sorry I’ve been gone.
On an entirely different topic, how messed up is this?