I wanted to be a father for the longest time.
I am a father.
Loads of people tell me what a great father I am. The one person who matters doesn’t tell me shit. She can’t talk.
Horrible kids use this day to tell their dad they love him. Great kids use this day to tell their dad they love him. Low-life good for nothing loser kids use this day to tell their dad they love him. Nobel laureates use this day to tell their dad they love him. Obnoxious kids use this day to text their dad they love him.
Even worse are those cards you get from other people who think it is a good idea to make believe a card is from your kid. They sign your kid’s name. How fucked up is that? What is the point? Does my kid tell YOU that I deserve a card from HER?
Sonora Smart Dodd
Don’t get me wrong. I know that Pearlsky loves me to the extent that she has such feelings. I am in no way insecure about how she feels, or would feel, or conceives of me. I am confident there. My point is that this holiday throws in my face (and not intentionally! I am not that paranoid) the fact that neither of my children can tell me or show me or even lie to me that they love me.
Every Sunday (weather permitting) we walk to the local donut shop and have a donut and coffee. I would say about 75% of the time we do. One Father’s Day an old lady looked at us, just me and Pearlsky, and said, “How nice you get to be with her like this.” She was referring to it being Father’s Day. I wanted to say “Fuck you, we do this every week” but that would not have been appropriate, so I just said “Fuck you.”
My sister called. Of this blog, she knows not. She tells me that she took care of a Father’s Day present for dad, but I need to send a card. Duh. And then … well, then … she said … “And send a separate one from your kids to grandpa, he’ll love it.”
Fuck you, sis. But I thought about it, and he probably would. He is not his old self anymore because of the strokes and TIAs, and would probably really like it. Uggh.
So I go to the store and look for a card. I find one from me, no problem. And after fifteen minutes I gave up looking for one from the kids. All the “grandfather” cards were grossly inappropriate for us … “Happy Father’s Day to my grandad with all the great advice” … “Happy Father’s Day to my favorite cell phone grandfather buddy” (really). Granted, many were sold already, but there was not a single card that was appropriate. I really really tried, but could not find a card that was close to appropriate, even just a card to one’s father.
And, if I am going to send a card from my kids, would I get one of the cartoony kind that you would have your “typical” six year old send to his/her grandfather? Pearlsky is almost eighteen, the card should one that an eighteen year old would send. Go ahead, find one that is appropriate.
Yeah, I hate Father’s Day. Pearlsky and I will Skype dad.
Been a tough week. Can you tell? Working on a good post next, promise.