A short time ago I wrote this post about not talking to Pearlsky. I was actually shocked that I received so many comments and emails from other parents despairing how they don’t talk enough (if at all) to their disabled child. I am not sure if it made me feel better or worse to know that I was not alone in not talking, and not alone in hating myself for it.
Questioning ourselves in life is normal. How do I look? Could I have done better on that test? Why did my Turducken turn out more like a meatloaf? But then comes questioning ourselves as parents.
I think I suck as a parent. I don’t talk to her enough. Some days I just can’t get myself to put on her AFO’s
before school. I’ve been known to give her Advil before school if I think she may in fact have a fever but is not really sick (yet). Bath? Oh yeah, everyday, sure. Varied diet everyday, right … but she loves Pediasure and is not hungry. I can go on, but I hear the footsteps of the social services’ social worker, and we know how I just love social workers …
I know I am not alone.
I’ve never done a sub-par job at anything. Or not at anything that mattered to me. So it’s hard to get over the fact that I suck at something. I totally don’t speak enough to her. I should to expose her to enough language input for her language development. Even if she won’t have any expressive language, it would be important for her receptive language. And sometimes when she just wants to suck her finger or chew on stuff I don’t make her play I just give up. Some mother I am.
So here are a couple of questions. Please answer honestly … I am hoping we all learn something. There is no “other” choice, feel free to speak out in the comments.
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This brings up certain metaphysical questions. That may be pushing it, but I love the word metaphysical
… met-a-phys-i-cal … but I digress.
- what we perceive ourselves to be?
- what others perceive us to be?
- something in between?
And which one matters?
Please DO NOT leave comments on what kind of father I am or about me, that is not my point here (I know I suck 😉 ), the point is how we perceive ourselves; how do you see yourself? How or why does it matter (outside a court of law)? You can only do the best that you can do.
I am very honest when I say that others would (and do) give me an A in my Pearlsky Parenting class, but alas, I give myself a C+. It is interesting to further note that I am not like that in other ways. There are aspects in my life where I give myself an A, some in my professional life, some in my personal life (and the occasional D or F). But none of those things can be, nor are they, as profound as “she who must be obeyed.”
Just between us, sometimes I cry at night wishing I could do better.