The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. *
What are your goals for your daughter?
The ultimate question from hell. Asked at every early intervention meeting, every IEP meeting. What a truly messed up question.
The “goal” of the question is nebulous … but the reason for it is clear. Empowerment. Frankly, that’s crap. Don’t try to “empower” me, just fix my daughter.
Ever bring your car to the shop when it is making a funky noise or just not right? Does the mechanic say to you “What is your goal today?”
Please make sure my dwell is 30, plug gaps are .035, the timing should be 5 degrees before TDC, make the idle at 743 rpm, oh, and the point gap for the magneto should be set to .015.
NO. You simply say,
Here are the keys, please fix it.
My goal for my daughter?
I want her to be normal.
It really IS that simple. YOU are the one who spent years in school and years as a (pick one: P.T., O.T., teacher, doctor, therapist) so YOU tell ME what the goals should be. My goal is simple. I WANT HER NORMAL.
Why do they look at me like I have two heads … or sometimes like they want to cry? It is a dumb ass question.
They want me to say …
I want her to learn to use a straw.
Or
I want her to be able to have basic communication.
Well, yes, AS IN “NORMAL”
Let’s say that God, the holy one, blessed be He or She, suddenly and with all intensity and wrath and holiness, shows him/her self to me, face to burning bush. And there is God Almighty. And a voice comes forth and says …
I am God Almighty. I can do anything, including messing up your kids, and you see the great job I did. Well, I ask you now, what is your goal with respect to your two kids? I will grant it to you.
Well, um, let’s see. I could say, I want them to be able to use a straw. No wait, that sucks. Okay, how about walking, no, ummm, talking? No, wait, I got it ..
My goal is for them to be NORMAL. That’s it. N-O-R-M-A-L! Yes, dear God, give me two NORMAL kids, that is my goal! Two normal kids.
So should I lie to a pukey 22 year-old physical therapist or should I answer her question? Don’t empower me with a power that I don’t have. I don’t know what to strive for or what is within reach, YOU DO. You are the trained professional, I am an emotional parent.
It is a stupid question with no point. Do not ask me a question if you will not accept my answer.
The first time I was asked, and was too devastated to fight when they rejected my answer, I revised it and said:
I want her to pick her nose. It is a fine motor skill and she will need it if she is ever to drive on the expressway.
Screw that. I’ll settle for normal.
* The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. – Michelangelo
you are very honest!
what question would you like for dedicated teachers to ask in an IEP meeting?
honestly, your sarcasm does not help your daughter or her teachers.
Irene: The sarcasm has been honed over the years and only comes out when I am pushed against a wall. What would I like them to ask? Easy, they should repeatedly ask me “Do you have any input, suggestions or questions on that?” That is all. They should set the goals, if they want goals, because they are qualified to know what the goals should be, and then say “do you have any input, suggestions or questions on that?” And then move on to the next issue. They should not stare me down and tell me that I must, in writing, submit goals, or if they do, then they must accept them. It is a game. Thanks for your input. I will be doing an entire post on IEPs soon …
Don’t underestimate the power of sarcasm. Sometimes it’s a good way to make people realize they have said or done something incredibly stupid. I’m with you – I tend to be sarcastic when people push me to the wall. Case in point: “What’s wrong with your son?”
– “Some moron is in his face, bothering him. Other than that, he’s fine.”
Anyway, is this what I have to expect when we start doing IEP’s/504 Plans next year? Yikes.
I have really enjoyed reading your blog so far. Thanks for sharing!
I just started reading your blog today and I’ve shaken my head over and over while reading about your experiences. I work as a teacher in a child care but don’t have children of my own so I can’t understand your situation because I’ve never had to stand in your shoes, but I want to thank you for being there for your daughter. When I have a parent that cares as much as you obviously do, it makes me want to praise them to the heavens. As for IEP’s, I hate them. I have several children in my class with ‘goals’ and the constant evaluations make me want to stab someone. “She hasn’t reached this milestone, what could you do to enable her for success?” I may use your nose picking quote next time I’m in an evaluation meeting.