Half truths and exhaustion

I noticed a small red patch near Pearlsky’s eye yesterday. No one knew why it happened, does not really matter. No big deal. This morning it was more of a bruise, lucky she does not have a black eye I guess. Whatever. Pearlsky did it to herself. It is no big deal.

She went to school.

As I have everyday since she was molested there, I went to school to check on her. She knows it, I know it.

I am proud of the fact that all I write on this blog is true. I only change names. Here is the conversation with the teacher, her words are all true, mine, well, this how I should have answered, not how I did.

What happened to Pearlsky’s eye? She came in that way.

Fuck you.

When did you notice it?

Fuck you.

What did you do when you saw it?

Fuck you. Do you want to see the bruise on my ass?

I did ask if every student in the school is quizzed about every bruise, scratch or mark they come in with. And then I happened to mention …

You ask me this in the very room from which Pearlsky came home with her eye partially swollen shut, her bra on backwards and a cut on her vulva?

I am tired.

Sleep does nothing for this kind of tired.

My mind is tired.

My soul is tired.

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Add it to the list …

I still really, really, really need to get an RV modified for Pearlsky and me and friends. And my plans are actually coming together somewhat.

I did find this one …

Clotho says that if it comes with those shoes, go for it!

There is this woman I was supposed to marry (no, not the one in the picture above) (but, if she does come with the RV, and those shoes, …). Met her when I was two days old. Really. I think I messed up by taking her to the opening of the original Star Wars before finding out she hated SciFi (this was 18 years after we first met). Anyway … she is now a big shot genetics lab director at a big shot hospital / medical school (happens to be the hospital where I was born!) (and yes, she is a month older than me, which makes her older than older-than-dirt). She happened to have been asked a few months ago if she would add to a nation-wide (or more) used prenatal genetic screen test a test for the amino acid deficiency that Pearlsky and David have by the very anal and infinitely brilliant and wonderful researcher who found the error (the error was first located in the genome because of Pearlsky’s and my cells). Today she tells me the test has been added to an expanded genetic test panel! In their testing, they have found that the mutation frequency is ~1:280 in my particular expanded gene pool, very low by their standards, incredibly high by mine. Somewhat confusing in that the first mentions of the “disability” concern my children just under twenty years ago. One would think that if the rate of carriers in my community is one in two hundred eighty, more cases would be known. Maybe we only procreate with outsiders. Leads one to wonder about all the undiagnosed kids …

I was supposed to marry her seeing that we grew up together, etc., but alas, Luke Skywalker killed that idea. She is a nationally famous genetics researcher-lab-director … maybe she can afford the RV …

Or not. But maybe some families will now be that much more informed.

How cool is this?

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Too much time on her hands …

Obviously, one of my (truth be told, “favorite”) readers has way too much time on her hands. She actually reads my blog …

This is from the mailbag today:

Happy New Year! or whatever …..

These issues were left unresolved in 2013. I do expect an update on these in the very near future!

Coke versus car – how did the car turn out. Did you end up with a lifetime supply of Coke or what?

What kind of sandwich was it? I thought I might reserve judgement on your “friend” depending on the exact contents of the meal.

When are you going to get the damned RV already and pick us up?

Is your hearing better? Is the tingling / numbness improving? Is being an amino acid junkie all you hoped it would be?

If I win the lottery will you spirit away to Buenos Aires with me for some authentic milonga adventures?

I promise not to tell … did you find someone with an uncle Guido to “take care of” you know who?

There’s probably more but those popped to mind.

Coke versus car – how did the car turn out. Did you end up with a lifetime supply of Coke or what? (reference)

Actually, they ended up repairing the car. Because the frame was spared and the mileage was low, they paid $7500 instead of totaling it! And I drink ginger beer now, so the non-Pepsi thing is moot (we don’t say the “C” word around here anymore).

What kind of sandwich was it? I thought I might reserve judgement on your “friend” depending on the exact contents of the meal. (reference)

That’s a really good point. I would ask her now, but any reference to that day sort of upsets her, so I will assume it was a black Périgord truffle sandwich from Chef Rostang. That does put it into a different light.

When are you going to get the damned RV already and pick us up? (one of several references)

I am seriously yearning more and more for the RV and giving it some serious consideration. I doubt that Rock My RV will ever consider (or know about) us (Call them! Write them!). I cannot afford a retrofitted one and I wonder how much I can do myself. If I can pick one up that is at least mechanically sound, I would modify the inside … may be biting off more than I can chew, but damn, the prospects.

And, dear reader, you can bet your ass I will swing by. And London. And Los Angeles, and Riverside, and Muncie, … I don’t do well partying and escaping alone …

Is your hearing better? Is the tingling / numbness improving? Is being an amino acid junkie all you hoped it would be? (reference)

Excuse me? Didn’t hear the question. Oh, the amino acid! It actually is improving my peripheral neuropathy! There are great things happening there and the research is continuing. I have agreed to go off it for a week or so in a few months to do further testing, but I am sure the pain will return. This I will do for the “greater good” to get some good data.

If I win the lottery will you spirit away to Buenos Aires with me for some authentic milonga adventures? (reference)

In a freaking heartbeat. Hell, if I win, we will drive there in the RV, practicing along the way! (Wheelchair lift, tie downs, and milonga floor are all requirements for the RV.)

I promise not to tell … did you find someone with an uncle Guido to “take care of” you know who? (probable reference)

There are several people that need some “taking care of” in Pearlsky’s and my life. If this is a reference to the summer, I understand that my prime suspect will not be back, but then, neither will Pearlsky. More seriously, I am not one so much for revenge, I leave that to Karma, but I do believe in proper justice under the law. I ran into a local police woman yesterday, I knew her 18 years ago when she worked in the local pizza shop, she has been on the force for 16 years. She has known Pearlsky all her life. She asked how Pearlsky was doing, it turns out she knew only a hint of what happened. I told her the story, which of course made me relive it, and, well, it was a tough hour or two.

And I do have a very dear Sicilian friend, who honestly does have an Uncle Guido! And, come to think of it, she does owe me a favor …

Thank you for the email, the caring, and the thoughts. But alas, you probably do have too much time on your hands …

And to show my age …

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Answer: Carlo Ponti

We all have our fantasies, right? Some of us have fantasies involving Italian women, right? Hmmmm …

Anyway, we all have our fantasies. If you are a reader of this blog, which at least some of you are, then you must share some of the same fantasies I have. I just know it. I, for one, am scared to think of Ken’s, but that is another story.

I have this dream that a wonderful woman contacts me. She tells me of this wonderful place, a place to rest, a place to get back in touch with one’s self, wonderful food, simple company, beautiful surroundings. A place to finally find a bit of peace, albeit for a short amount of time.

Then yet another woman comes to me and says “Single Dad, I have just the place for you … go, unwind, for once think of yourself.”

Usually that is where I wake up.

Not this time …

Elizabeth was a recipient of Caregifted respite grant (see some of her posts here). She encouraged me to apply … which I did. And a few days ago I heard from Heather McHugh, Founder and Executive Director of Caregifted.


Well, no, but somewhere. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere via the wonderful people at Caregifted.

I will share as I learn more …

As for the previous post, about Pearlsky and the new adult program, I just heard from the lawyers. “This makes no sense. Something strange is happening there. I will talk with them more and if it is not resolved this way, we will try something else.”

Johnny Carson was once asked …

If you had to be in a hospital bed for a month, who would you want in the bed next to you?

Carlo Ponti

Why Carlo Ponti?

So I could see his wife, Sophia Loren, walk in every day.

Wasn’t Sophia one of the Three Faiths?

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Do wits really have an end?

You have no idea how much I miss blogging. I am getting an idea how much you miss my blogging, and I must say I am extremely appreciative of those checking in to see if me and Pearlsky are okay. Seeing that “okay” is relative, I am not sure how to respond.

Sure, we’re okay. Yeah, there’s an answer. Yep, just fine.

The second week of this past July Pearlsky came home from school (summer program in the high school) with her undergarment on backwards, her eye swollen shut, I was told she “shut down” at the end of the day, not interacting with people. I was told no one touched her clothes other than to change her, no one knew why her eye was swollen nor why she was acting differently. Nor did anyone know why there was a spot of blood where it should not have been. Her appetite crashed over the next month or two and the 88 pound Pearlsky lost about 10% of her body weight. Weeks later, at a doctor’s appointment, when I was asked what happened that day, Pearlsky burst into tears as I just started to mention it. Yep, no communication that one.

The state investigated. The city investigated. I was asked insane questions (never accused or anything like that). The case went to the state attorney general and other places. Then silence.

Weeks went by, no one would tell me if there was to be a criminal investigation or not (I did NOT want one, that’s another post). No updates. Every time the phone rang, or the doorbell rang, I would jump.

The state agency calls and wants to do a home visit, out of the blue. When they called, they were kind of sketchy about it. That was an uncomfortable few days, turned out to be some other dumb issue, not a problem.

I had trouble dealing for a few months. I failed Pearlsky, there is no doubt something not good happened. I put her on the school bus that day. Don’t go all logical on me … I failed to protect my daughter.

And the last thing I wanted to do was come here, this blog, and either admit that, or tell you about the day to day shit that goes on.

“Do you feel she is safe in school now?”

“I felt she was safe the day I sent her in and in reality, she was not safe. I sent her in today. If I say I don’t think she is safe, that means I knowingly put her in an unsafe situation and you take her away. How about, I feel she is as safe today as she was that day. Safe is safe, no?”

Fuck you.

The day she cried at the doctor’s was horrendous. Right then and there, I knew she knew. She knew what happened, she remembered it. I had barely said anything and her mind went there.

The evening of that doctor’s appointment I was on the floor crying and I got a call from the incredible Clotho. I told her that I knew Pearlsky knew. That I had failed her and had no idea what to do. Then she showed her power, and gave me a rash of shit. She stood up to me, and demanded that I “go talk to Pearlsky. You go to her right now. It is erev Yom Kippur and damn it, you go talk to her. Apologize, explain, whatever. Go talk to your daughter.”

No one dares speak to Single Dad like that. Actually, no one does. But Clotho did.

I took Pearlsky and spoke to her. Straight. For a while. And I made promises to her. And she rolled into me and we laid there. For a while. A long while.

As promised, I have gone to the school every day to check in on her. And other stuff. But is still sucked, still no word from the state, from the city, from the investigators, it was still “active.”

I was almost up to posting again, starting to be myself, then last week happened.

Because Pearlsky was, well, mishandled, at the High School, I have been trying to get her the hell out of there ASAP and directly into an adult program (which normally starts at 22, 10 months from now). The program I want says they want the state to guarantee that they will continue paying for her placement there when she turns 22 (when the school district stops paying) or she cannot come. Note they do not insist that elders live more than 10 months after starting, etc. but I digress. The state says to the program (run by a large national syndication) “we can’t guarantee anything.” Hence, I find out Pearlsky is stuck in a place where she is not safe, and a fantastic placement won’t take her because they need a guarantee that makes no sense (keep reading).

So I search and find a lawyer. Took about an hour. He is the ex-president of said program syndicate (google it and HIS picture comes up) and he is the ex Deputy Commissioner of the state program. Two …. two … two mints in one!

“The state cannot guarantee that simply because they are never the ones to pay. She has SSI and Medicare, so that is completely moot. No, I don’t think you need to hire me, SD, let me make a phone call, I know people.” No word yet.

The same night I found the lawyer I am watching the local news. Hey look, that’s the high school they are filming in front of. Wonder what happened. Oh, male special education aide arrested. Hmmm. Stole a bagel from the cafeteria? Parked his car in a no parking zone? No, aggravated statutory rape. But it’s ok, he did not do it on school grounds. And NO, I don’t know if he had anything to do with anything, so don’t ask.

And you know what happened the next day? I get the official report from the state investigation. Five months later. And it says they do not recommend a criminal investigation (again, that is actually good from my and Pearlsky’s point of view; fuck the “greater good”). But here’s the kicker, there is a summary of what I said to the investigators, what Pearlsky’s mom said, the teachers, the SPED Coordinator, etc. And then this … the school lied about the environment. A major point in the investigation. Who was with Pearlsky at all times. And what do I do with this? Nothing. I absolutely can prove beyond a doubt it is a lie, but to what end? I don’t want the outcome of the investigation to change. The person interviewed knows for a fact that s/he lied. All it does is reinforce the fact that I want her out of there. Today. Now.

So that stopped me, yet again, from posting. From sleeping. From breathing.

But here I am. Lots of email support from my readers. I know life must go on, I know this was not my fault, but I cannot begin to tell you what it took out of me.

I want an RV. I want it to have a ramp or a lift. I want to get in it and never turn back. Me and Pearlsky. We’ll visit you, or pick you up, on the way. Think I can drive to London? Maybe IN, TX, and CA will work …

I hope I am back. I need to be for me.

But that is what has been going on for the last five months. And I missed you.

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