Makeup sex
OK, ladies, I need to understand some things and I seek your help. I know that you wear makeup and fancy clothes and stuff for different reasons. I understand that there is lots that I don’t want to know, such as more on the rumor I hear that you pluck hair from places I don’t want to know.
I know that some young women put on lots of makeup and tight clothes and go out to a bar with the sole goal of “making whoopee.” On the other hand, there are happily married monogamous women I know who won’t even walk the dog in their own back yard until they have mascara and lipstick on just right.
I have learned that you cannot buy a bra at Victoria’s Secret that does not have pads in it to fake out guys, which I never understood since if they work, we eventually find out it’s all a fraud, but my point is that even the bras for, um, well, “healthy” women have them, which boggles my small male mind (small mind, big … heart?).
What about high school “girls”? Why do they dress as they do? And makeup? That seems to start in the early teens, but to what end? To look “pretty”? To be more accepted? To look grown up? To not look ugly?
Is lipstick and mascara sexual by default? If so, is that the only reason you use it? Does shaving your legs make you look less masculine, sexier, or prettier? Which is less sexual … bra-less, a sports bra, or a Victoria Secret super magic miracle in-your-face bra?
Should her ears be pierced? Her navel? And if so, should she wear those shirts that show her midriff?
I have always wanted, and still want, Pearlsky to blend in as much as possible. Her wheelchair is a sparkly black as opposed to other available colors such as glow in the dark, toxic green or yellow (seriously, see the color chart). She wears sneakers over her AFO’s and not three inch red stilettos (which might be tough in a stander). When we go clothes shopping, I look for the saleswoman in her early 20’s and always ask her “what’s in?”
Yes, I know Pearlsky will never really blend in, so maybe it is so she stands out less?
There are those who force mastectomies and hysterectomies on their disabled young daughters in order to “avoid sexualization.” That is abhorrent, illegal and overboard. I, too, do not want my daughter sexualized but I do want her to fit in in other respects. Why should she not be as pretty as she can be … and by what standard of “pretty”?
She is dark haired … do I shave her legs in the summertime when she is in shorts and swimming? Should she wear nail polish? Lipstick? (Those two are probably impractical, but still). How about mascara? If not, why do you? Being a teenager, her skin occasionally breaks out, especially in rhythm with her cycle. Should I try to minimize any acne-like activity? If so, how does that reasoning differ from mascara which would only highlight her beautiful eyes. But then, do I want to highlight anything beautiful about her? If so, why? Why not?
Why can’t a girl be more like a boy …
Can’t help you on any of it…so why am I writing…because…well…you know me. I don’t wear make-up and my eldest doesn’t either. Make up on our kids is HARD TO WASH OFF, makes them break out even more and is torturous in its own right. DON’T DO IT MAN!!! Lip gloss is nice. As for clothes…again, Chickie wears stretchy yoga pants and loose “maternity” tops (that’s what they were when I was young….now it’s “fashion”)…hides the curve. As long as her pants are on straight and not crooked which is a sure sign of bad diapering and pant putting-on, no one notices. Land’s End…I buy everything there for her. NICE BRAS TOO…100% cotton with NO PADDING. Very well priced…I cut the back off her winter coats so she can wear them in the chair without causing a commotion putting it on…looks good, works well…
Okay, I can help you about the bra padding thing…
The padding isn’t always to make boobs appear bigger. Most of the time it’s to hide…ahem…nipples. Some women don’t want their nipples showing all the time in shirts. So, the padding helps with that. Some women just have their headlights on all the time if you know what I’m saying.
I think shaving your daughter’s legs when she swims or wears shorts is a great idea. I don’t know about lipstick, but a bit of mascara, sure. That’s just because I am one of those people who NEED mascara and coudn’t care less about lipstick! But, I think you’re right. Your daughter would likely want some girly stuff. How about some nail polish on her toenails in the summer?
How does Pearlsky react to girly-girl prettying-up type stuff generally? I think that’s probably going to be your main guide.
I have a very dear friend – let’s call her Ruby, it isn’t her real name, who like Pearlsky is a pretty minimal communicator. She’s about the same age as me (early-mid 20s) and in keeping with the rest of her family had grown a fine crop of short, dark hairs on her upper lip. Dilemma! Her mum and cousins wax this growth, as do most women thus afflicted. But waxing is (briefly) painful. We can’t establish whether Ruby understands this or not. We can’t elicit anything approaching informed consent from her.
So we (me, her mum, caregivers) consider that Ruby generally seems to really enjoy doing conventionally feminine things; getting her hair done, shopping for and choosing to wear (she doesn’t have a very reliable way of indicating choices, or sometimes chooses not to use it, or something. When she does use it, it’s fairly clear) girly things, acquiring shoes at an alarming rate, frank delight at nail polish and the like. She seems to have a pretty strong femme self-image. No other girly-girl would choose to leave facial hair visible.
Eventually her mum decides to go for it, lets Ruby watch her do her own ‘tache first, and then does the deed. Ruby is momentarily startled, and then smiley. She’s enthusiastic about moisturising and looking in the mirror afterwards.
I reckon her mum made the right decision, how about you?
Similar decision-making process with Pearlsky, I spose.
I’m butch, I don’t shave or wax anything and the last person that tried to say I should got very short shrift indeed… but to follow on the bra theme, the other function of the padding is to provide some cushioning. At certain points of my menstrual cycle my boobs get very, very sensitive and the pressure and friction from my postural support straps (an H-shaped harness type thing) is absolutely unbearable without the protection from the bra. The other thing is that if I’m up in my chair without a bra my boobs tend to, er, wander. The right one in particular gets squished between harness and lateral support and eventually turns up in the region of my armpir It’s neither comfortable nor dignified. Pass me my tool of patriarchal oppression, would you?
I will admit that I used to be the type who wouldn’t so much as check the mail without my hair and makeup done. I wasn’t the woman in 8 – inch heels and a tube top, but I liked to look my best. Since having Monkey Boy, that has certainly changed quite a bit. Case in point: I usually wear jeans and couldn’t care less what the mail carrier thinks of me.
Anyway, I think it would be fine if you got Pearlsky some girly stuff. She’d probably enjoy it – all girls do. Makeup that matches her skin tone (get a saleswoman to help you!), a soft blush, lip gloss, and some nail polish sounds fine. My almost 15 – year – old niece was a huge tomboy until about a year ago, and those are the sort of things she wears now. She looks feminine and “in” without looking like a star of a Girls Gone Wild video. As for Pearlsky’s legs, I see nothing wrong with either shaving them or using Nair in the summer. Just do not, I repeat do NOT get them waxed – talk about abhorrent! I like smooth skin as much as the next person, but some things just aren’t worth it.
I am a 29-year-old casually dressed at-home mom, and I do not wear makeup except for special occasions, mainly for professional photos. Amongst the women I know, makeup is considered optional. Some wear it every day; others are more like me. If you don’t already, you can use a moisturizer daily on her face to keep her skin looking nice.
I would absolutely not put eye makeup on her–it is hard to wash off and can cause infection if not taken off properly.
Some women wear earrings/jewelry on a daily basis–others do not. I don’t because I have 2 small boys. I would be concerned about jewelry getting caught on things when people are moving her around, or her earrings getting pulled out somehow, possibly hurting the earlobes.
As far as sneakers go, I love to buy Skeechers (when they are on sale) and always get compliments on them. I think they look cool. : ) They tend to be in the teen section.
Shaving legs is pretty universal (unfortunately)–an electric razor should do the trick.
These days, women feel much more comfortable choosing their own style than in previous generations. When I look at pictures of my mother when she was young in the 70’s, all the women would be wearing nearly the same thing. Today, you just don’t find that.
There are a lot of comfortable pants that are reasonably in style. Boot-cut yoga type knit pants, etc. I like to buy knit pants at New York and Company and Old Navy. I am very short and must buy petites. Lands End is good too, but the clothes are frequently styled for an older generation. I like to buy basic T-shirts and hoodies cheap from hanes.com.
Oh, and I agree with Jo, a lip gloss would be a great idea. Burt’s Bees makes some lip moisturizers with just a bit of color. “Natural-looking” makeup has been in style since the 1990’s. No one I know paints their fingernails on a regular basis, but it’s common to have toenails painted in the summer. (And because toenails grow so slowly, the polish lasts a long time!) But toenail polish is not necessary!
What good advice you have received! I looked again at the picture of Pearlsky. She is attractive, clean, well cared for and looks happy. Unfortunately looks do seem to matter (research shows…) and for many women it just feels good to look good. (Some) people would likely treat her differently if she looked the opposite. I think she is attractive and you are an awesome dad to care! BTW, pedicures are the best.
ditto Cinda’s comment (except I would not know about pedicures). I’m more like Erica’s first paragraph (except I was not like that when I was her age).
Here’s my opinions regarding Pearlskey for what they are worth:
Lip gloss/stick – yes; mascara – not practical.
Fingernail polish is more practical; need not be a stark color.
Shaving someone else – a lot of effort; maybe for some occasions; risk of injury, you know – not like a face at all – do you still keep a beard? No matter. I recommend loose long skirts during summer.
I perceive you made some effort in writing this post for engaging your audience. Thanks.
This has been such an excellent discussion…thanks for putting this up.
I am glad that you brought up this subject. I have seen teen and adult women (and men, but mostly women) still dressed and coiffed as children. Most of such women are not able to make the choices of attire for themselves. I think that the choices should be age appropriate and fit in with whatever group of folks you feel you want your daughter to belong.
If you can afford it, do a laser job on the facial and leg hair. It is a social norm for women to be hairless except in certain places. A nice neat hair cut, chapstick, cream for the face, maybe a bit of blush and lip gloss.
Shave legs, tube top, wax lip, high heels, hidden nipples … and that’s for me! Pearlsky gets her legs shaved (or bleached), touch of makeup, toe nail polish, and lip gloss. Got it.
So she feels “feminine” (girly? womanly?), that’s tough. I don’t know if there is that level of understanding, but it cannot hurt.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your input.
I’m really enjoying this discussion, but i wanted to throw one more thought out there. I’m not a makeup wearer, nor do I go for jewelry – and my basic shoe is a battered sneaker. But I will go for a pedicure once a year with a friend, not so much to have pretty paint on my toes as it is for the pleasure of the company and the physical luxury of it. Someone handling my feet gently, a bit of massage, and a slow, impractical, unhurried pleasure is very different from a brisk, let’s get on with it shower, for example. Pearlsky may very well enjoy that…no matter how girly or un-girly she is.
I shave Katie’s legs and underarms because she’s hairy and it’s what young women do. Katie doesn’t wear makeup because she won’t hold still and there’s no lipstick that could withstand her volume of drool. I also don’t really wear makeup so it’s not much of an issue with me. The clothes I have a hard time with. Katie is built like a stripper and it’s hard to find clothes for her that don’t expose her breasts. She also can’t manage buttons or zippers on her own so that limits her to t-shirts which I’m fine with.
Lots of good advice here.
I would add:
1- Do try to minimize acne for her.
2- Along with lip gloss, you could dab on a little concealer to hide pimples. Write me offline if you need hints about how to use it.
3- If she seems to like the lip gloss, another thing that she might like (also because it feels nice) is a little powder foundation (evens the complexion) or pressed powder (reduces shine) lightly applied with a big makeup brush.
4- Since she’s a teenager, on special occasions you can put a bit of glitter powder on her face – just a little – I can get some of my students to recommend where it gets placed, exactly.
5- If she’s not allergic or otherwise sensitive to it, she might enjoy a touch of perfume – don’t bother with the expensive stuff – just something so she herself feels that she smells good. It’s not for others, it’s for her, to feel pretty.
6- Depending on her personality (and yours), a streak of temporary blue color in her hair? That would be fierce!
I have to say, this is fun.
Forget the advice I gave earlier. I thought of a much better look for Pearlsky – tattoos, and lots of them. Make sure she gets every visible body part pierced as well. Now THAT’S style.
OK, maybe not.
On another note, I couldn’t help but notice that she has absolutely beautiful, thick dark hair. It sort of reminds me of the hair on the old Pantene commercials.
I think the pedicure idea is a good one since its more about the feel of being girly vs. looking girly. I think you should try it once and see how she responds. I would recommend you trying it at full service spa rather than just a nail salon as they can smell pretty bad and are often times too busy an environment for anyone to relax.
And I think you should do it with her. There is a father and daughter who regularly go together at my spa and they both seem to have a blast judging by the giggles.
Sir, you obviously do not understand women at all. It almost seems that you do not respect them either. I suggest you just keep her clean, hair brushed, face washed (AND THEN MOISTURIZED), nails clean, maybe legs shaved to the knee, and for the love of fuck don’t put her in belly shirts or pierce her naval. No self-respecting piercer would pierce someone who was incapable of giving consent anyway. Have her wear well-fitted tshirts in nice colors and like, knee-length cotton skirts. Just casual and dignified.
Something about this post really rubbed me the wrong way. Partly you feel very ignorant and partly you feel very creepy. Yeah. Anyway good luck.
[Single Dad’s response: You obviously have not read other posts and did not pick up on my sense of humor or sarcasm, for that I am sorry. I am not sure about the “love of fuck” part, but I would no sooner pierce anything than I would ink her shoulder or lower back. No way. I can assure you I am not ignorant, and those who have felt me have never used the word “creepy,” at least not to my face. Thank you for the “good luck” part. With great respect … – S.D.]
Speaking personally, I’m much more of a sucker for nice-smelling toiletries than makeup, which I’ve never really worn much (I rub my eyes a lot, so mascara is out; the smell of even hypoallergenic stuff gives me a headache, and I’m not generally one to whinge about things like that). But I love Origins stuff (stupidly expensive, but smells lovely), and I think there’s less-expensive stuff out there that smells nice and fresh, and that kind of thing makes *me* feel better. Nice-scented shampoo/conditioner, soap, etc., can be great and make you look good to boot.
The shaving thing, on the other hand…yeah. Pretty much a necessity.
I also personally prefer well-kept unpainted nails to polished ones, but I hear that getting a manicure somewhere can be a nice way to keep them looking good, as well as being a pleasant physical experience in general.
I think there’s a happy medium between revealing clothes and perpetual sweats/’modest’ granny clothes – I second whoever recommended yoga pants. Yoga clothes in general are comfortable and usually flattering.
as a style editor I can give this advice:
Practically speaking all a teenage girl really “needs” to look pretty and “done” are nice eyebrows and a bit of tinted lipgloss. A good eyebrow wax will get you a lot of bang for your buck and lasts a longish time without any maintenance. The lip gloss is easy to apply and is pretty without being capital S Sexy.
I’d opt for waxing the legs too, as it’s something you’d probably only have to do three or four times a summer, as opposed to shaving which is fraught with peril and high maintenance.
As for clothes I think yoga pants/tank tops and thin layering pieces are all very nice and appropriate and are safely cute without being cutesy or sexy.
Painted nails are more heartache than they’re worth, but a nice buff is pretty and low maintenance. A monthly pedi might be nice too and they generally last pretty well.
I think Plumcake’s suggestions are nice and concise, not too high maintenance.
Personally I would recommend a tinted lip balm instead of gloss because it does double duty with moisturizing her lips, especially useful in summer. I like the Burt’s Bees variety, which you can usually find at Target, often in a 4-pack of different colors for a little variety.
For manicures and pedicures, I definitely suggest asking female friends about places they like to go. I have a had a few rough manicurists in the past, and would hate your daughter to have anything but a relaxing and pampering experience with it! If you want to save money, there are sometimes beauty schools that offer services by advanced students at a discounted rate. In my city there is Aveda Institute, and they are in many cities around the country as well.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with her wearing make-up that enhances her natural beauty, as opposed to make-up that sexifies her (and it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two — keep it soft, natural, and applied with a light hand). As others have mentioned, lip gloss or tinted lip balm, maybe a bit of foundation or tinted moisturizer, a light dusting of powder, a bit of blush — I might stay away from the mascara if she tends to rub her eyes, but otherwise, go for it — just be sure to buy a good, gentle eye-make-up remover, as well. I would definitely try to minimize any acne flare-ups with proper skin care and prescriptions from a dermatologist if needed.
A big YES to a supportive bra (a professional fitting is probably a good idea — I think most lingerie stores will do this free of charge) and yes, if she goes bare-legged in the summer, I would consider using Nair or something similar on her legs, or having them professionally waxed. As Plumcake pointed out, shaving is very high-maintenance and can be dangerous. And yes to the occasional professional mani/pedi!
In answer to your question, “But then, do I want to highlight anything beautiful about her? If so, why? Why not?” — I say, sure you do. She deserves, just as much as every other woman, to look and feel beautiful. If you think that she would enjoy a bit of make-up, stylish clothes, pedicures, etc., then I see no reason why she shouldn’t get to have those things. And if it also helps your own peace of mind to see her stand out less, then so much the better.
I agree with Plumcake. I looked at your gallery to see your daughter and she’s lovely! Plumcake is spot on with her recommendations, I don’t think your girl really needs much more than groomed eyebrows and some tinted gloss to be girly. Full makeup would just be a hassle and she really doesn’t need it (lucky girl!).
Take care of the acne, as others have mentioned.
And yes, the bra is important, make sure you get a good quality, properly fitted one for her comfort. I would recommend one called the “t-shirt bra” it’s meant for wearing under t-shirts (but can be worn with everything) and affords appropriate coverage and support with clean lines.
Wax or nair the legs in the summer (and armpits regularly), paint the toes a pretty shade and you’re ready to go! Don’t forget the sunscreen!
How about a nice tinted moisturizer for her face and some tinted chapstick? I feel like this is the utilitarian way to wear make up. Tinted moisturizer is exactly what it sounds like: moisturizer that is tinted to match a gal’s skin tone instead of being white. This would work well because it’s technically make-up (it covers imperfections and also evens out skin tone which I think every gal loves :)) but it also keeps skin moisturized and most also have SPF which protects against sun damage. And tinted chapstick would keep her lips from being chapped but also look really nice and pretty. I use Burt’s Bees pomegranate lip balm which smells nice and gives my lips a little bit of color without drying them out.
And I’d agree with PP that a lined/padded bra isn’t always intended to fool the opposite sex but to help with the “highbeams”. I’d recommend a “t-shirt bra” for Pearlsky. They’re not fancy, not frilly or lacy but supportive and comfy and will get the job done.
Good luck and keep us updated! I found you via Sal at Already Pretty and I look forward to reading more of your blog!
Like a lot of comments have said, it depends on the woman. Try a little bit of lipgloss, maybe some nail polish, and see if she enjoys it (I know she can’t directly communicate, but I get the impression you can tell when she’s happy; if I’m wrong I apologize, I just found your wonderful blog!). Bonne Bell has been a starter for lip gloss for a couple generations now. They’re sparkly, inexpensive, and smell great. Experiment from there. Makeup isn’t a requirement in my book, but I love it, so I wear it a lot for fun. If she enjoys it, it’s another thing to have fun with. If she doesn’t, no loss.
If she has a regular hairdresser for trims, maybe ask if they do manicures and pedicures. Nail polish is very tricky to get the hang of. I’ve been using it for over a dozen years and still mess up! So that one may be best to leave to the pros. Plus a lot of women love being pampered- most nail places include massages and creams with treatments.
One thing to keep in mind is sensitive skin. Makeup, even natural or mineral makeup, can irritate. If she has issues with skin products already, go for a mineral-based makeup, *not* drugstore as their “mineral” makeups tend to have a lot of irritants in them. Alima Minerals and Everyday Minerals are online-only companies that are really great and have samples you can order. Eye makeup is more complex because eyes are more sensitive, so you may want to run things by a doctor first if she has eye issues.
Acne can be tricky. A lot of commercial products clear it up on some people, but makes it worse on those with sensitive skin. The ingredients used most often are benzoyl peroxide, glycolic acid, and salicyclic acid. The trick is to only use one product with one of these ingredients each time you wash her face. So in the morning, if there is a cleanser with any of those three active ingredients, use an oil-free moisturizer without any of them. Both of the acids exfoliate, so don’t use a scrub along with them either. If you try an astringent, make sure it’s alcohol free (pure witch hazel is really good for this). And if she only has acne because of her cycle, only use the anti-acne products when she needs them. Neutrogena makes the best drug store skin products IMHO.
Bras are the bane of female existence. OK, that’s an exaggeration, but they are really complicated. Breakoutbras.com is amazing, and will talk you through everything- padding, styles, sizes, etc. Good prices too.
Waxing would probably be a bad idea because it’s painful. Be careful with Nair-type products because if they start to sting she won’t be able to tell you. An electric razor may be the way to go. It’s how my mom started me with shaving, because it’s less likely to cut by a long shot. It won’t be as smooth but it will look good. Some companies make an oil or conditioner to put on before using an electric razor, and that could help keep irritation down. Moisturize after, and if irritation does occur, apply aloe. In fact, aloe immediately after shaving can prevent irritation.
Ears pierced is also hard to say, but I lean towards no. It hurts. It was hard for me to get mine done and I was in high school.
None of these beauty things are requirements, of course. I do them because I find them fun or makes me comfortable. So give it a try and see how it goes. And make sure to let us know how it turns out. 🙂
I agree largely with what others have said. Mascara takes years to learn to do on yourself. In addition to making a mess, you could injure her. She has dark hair and doesn’t need it. (I have fair hair and am at work right now in a suit – no mascara. I’m 27. She can definitely get away with it!) Lip gloss is a GREAT idea. Even very young girls collect it, largely for fun. Get the stuff that tastes good – I’m sure she’ll like that. For acne, sure, a product that reduces it – it’s basically a skin irritation/overproduction of oil, so addressing it is more hygiene/grooming than primping, I think. Concealer is more involved; I guess you could go either way there. I agree that if she wears shorts or skirts, and has dark hair, her legs should be shaved. It’s convention, and to do otherwise is automatically read by Americans as butch. You can oppose that, but for her sake, probably better not to. I’ve never used Nair, and others can comment on whether the chemicals are good for you, but I believe it’s much safer than shaving someone else, and less painful than waxing. Agreed about the bras – there’s “lined” (about 1/8 inch thick), which is for modesty, and there’s “padded,” which is for false advertising. Target has some nice lined ones for modest prices in sizes that would fit young women and not show under her clothes. Of course, as you’ve noted, navel piercings and midriff tops – not so much. Pierced ears – I guess there’s potential injury and infection. You can get magnetic earrings if it seems she would like them, or there’s a special occasion. (I don’t have my own ears pierced, actually. I do dress fairly conventionally, although unpierced ears on an adult American female are unusual.) Instead of earrings, maybe a necklace? Visual interest to the outfit, and feminine, without being sexual.
I think clothes can DEFINITELY be feminine or girly (as appropriate) without being sexual. I’d say fun colors and materials can accomplish a lot without a cut calling so much attention as to oversexualize her. Now, I’ve never considered the problems of dressing someone with limited mobility. I would say mid-length skirts could give your feminine look without too much sex appeal (i.e., tight jeans). Skirts are comfortable. But would they work for her? Not sure. (A-line would be the easiest, and very flattering – the description means just what it sounds like, they’re angled out as they go down.) I’m thinking whether a lot of skirts are normal for teens. Actually, no. What about trouser jeans? A little dressy, chic, but not too tight (and very comfy). I can think of some other things that will help in her twenties – they make really cute sporty flats now (rather than sneakers); and feminine, unsexualized, but adult clothing is a matter of tailoring – shoulders the right width, not too loose or too tight, maybe princess seams. But a lot of that is just not how teens dress. Oh, wait, what about casual jacket things (like a cordoruy or khaki blazer)? Has some tailoring, so more feminine, but not skimpy or snug. And easy to take off if she gets too warm (I assume).
Wow, This is a tough question — it’s been running through my head for the past few hours. I found your blog through Plumcake & Francesca’s blog. So much of high school age girls’ heavy make up and revealing clothing is often a mix of poor self esteem and trying to learn about what makes an adult woman womanly (my best friend is transexual and is working through that right now which has had me thinking on it anyway).
Full makeup (foundation, eye makeup, lipstick) is a lot of trouble to get right even when a woman has a lot of practice (another reason why many teenage girls look like they tripped onto a makeup display) and requires plenty of maintenance. Your daughter is a lovely girl already. My thought would be tinted lipbalm as it’s soothing and doesn’t make as much of a mess if it gets smeared and maybe face powder for special occasions.
The biggest part of feeling pretty is taking good care of oneself (or having someone who loves you do it for you when you need it). Proper skincare will go a long way towards helping her feel pretty and cutting down on uncomfortable acne. Perhaps a cute haircut a few times a year — it shows attention to appearance without requiring big daily maintenance. A good haircut can do so much to emphasize a pretty face and make a women look pulled together.
Hair removal is awkward. Waxing is effective but oh my goodness does it hurt. Shaving is less painful but still there’s the potential for cuts. It’s nice to do legs for shorts and swimsuits in the summer and armpits for short sleeves or tank tops, but I’d suggest ignoring it the rest of the time or when no one outside the family is going to see — I often do and I am rather girly if I do say so myself. I would think the easiest and safest methods when trying these on another person who may not be able to help you would be Nair (but do a patch test first to make sure it doesn’t irritate her skin) or with an electric shaver (they don’t usually shave as close as a razor but it’s harder to cut oneself/someone else with it).
A manicure or pedicure is a nice way to give her a treat if she enjoys it but can get expensive if you’re doing them very often. Something a little more cost effective is to go for clothing with more feminine details as it’s something that’ll last longer. T-shirts with a pretty crossover neck, or a vibrant pattern, or just bright colors can make a big difference.
Hey there,
I wanted to second the recommendations on here about waxing/bleaching mustache and perhaps waxing eyebrows (depending on her hairstyle – does she have bangs that hide her eyebrows? If so, then forget about it, I definitely do :)). The recommendation for haircuts on here is also a great idea – a cute short cut with bangs requires no real maintenance (at least mine doesn’t) and grows out well enough to where you wouldn’t need to get it cut except for a few times a year 🙂
I don’t wear makeup, but lip gloss can be super fun and easy to apply. You can get the kind that tastes good or smells minty, and that could be an additional fun thing for your daughter.
Also, lotions that have scent to them are a fun way to get some perfumey smells without having to buy perfume – and they have the bonus of also moisturizing, and not smelling too strong. Some of my favorites are anything “tea” scented from bath and body works or even walgreens carries a variety of good smelling lotions.
I wanted to pass along a clothing recommendation for american apparel (americanapparel.net) – even though their models look like heroin-filled hookers, their clothes are very versatile and almost all 100% cotton jersey. I’ve gotten some great jersey skirts there, t-shirts, etc. that would be perfect for layering pieces, they are machine washable, and most of all they are super-super-in with the kids these days, so your daughter can feel fashionable and comfy (which are my two favorite things to feel).
I’m just gonna speak straight from teenage perspective..It all depends on her style and personality.
1st-shaving.Yes, shaving is good, but really and truly, you only need to in the summer,and I only do on a need-to basis (IE,If I’m gonna be home,or in pants all week,no shave.Swimming,or in shorts,yes,I do)
2nd-Makeup- Again,it all depends. If you do decide to do makeup, don’t cake it on.Really, natural peachys and neutrals and pinks are flattering,hard to mess up,and looks good on EVERYBODY.Personally,I don;t wear makeup,its a hassle,you have to wash it off,get up early to put it on. Test it out,see how she feels.Nail polish is always,REPEAT always a fun thing. Maybe take her to a salon,or get a female relative to come over,and have a “Nail day” and get the lady or relative to teach you how to paint nails. nail polish can last, and it is a quick feel pretty fix.
3rd-As a high school girl who loks at the..suggestively dressed others,honesly I dont know why they do it.And all of us dont,it depends on your clique, your personality. The popular girls are very much into whats in and they try to cram as many trends in one,all the while showing the decolletage and leg. I don;t know why.
4th-Least Sexy bra-Sports bra BUT those can be tight and restricting. If you want a bra thats pretty,not sexy,and supportive,I’d say go to walmart and look there,they have simple bras in simple colors*No fire truck engine red with fabio waving on it*) They’re simple, pretty,functional,and if they are padded,its very very light.
Hope this helps you out 🙂
Lots of stuff to agree with here, mainly:
1.) It’s safe to say that most teenage girls start trying makeup to feel pretty, not sexy. That’s regardless of how feminine you see yourself.
2.) A simple place to start would be tinted lip gloss or balm (another vote for Burt’s Bees) and a fruity body lotion (The Body Shop sells yummy “Body Butter”). Lip balm and lotion are things a person needs anyway, so it’s a good way to start figuring out (following Becca’s suggestion) how Pearlsky feels about girly stuff in general. And it’s not going to sexualize her.
I think there’s a difference between wanting to look made-up, and enjoying the process of doing stuff that makes you feel grown-up and special (Cue “How Lovely to Be a Woman” from the musical “Bye Bye Birdie”), and if she responds positively to the lipgloss and lotion, it might be good to figure out which. In high school I loathed day-to-day makeup, but enjoyed the occasional manicure because it meant spending time with Mom and aunts doing “girl stuff”.
3.) If you decide to do none of this, it will not be the end of the world, or make Pearlsky stand out more than she does now. Fellow tomboys and I went through high school on deoderant and Chapstick with no problems. The one thing is I’ve never had to shave my legs, so other commenters might want to chime in on the need to do that in high school.
Good luck.
I really don’t think hair removal is necessary. It’ll only grow back darker and thicker, necessitating more hair removal, and it could result in ingrown hairs, which are painful. I don’t think it’ll make that much of a difference in her happiness or self-esteem unless someone explicitly points it out to her. It’s not something that occurs to most girls on their own; we have to be socially normed to feel the urge to remove our leg hair. If you do decide to remove her leg hair, please don’t try to shave her legs yourself. It’s nothing like shaving your face and it’d be a bloody mess. Take her to a professional waxer (note that waxing is quite painful and could cause her distress), or use a depillatory cream like Nair or Veet.
If she needs a bra, try starting with sports bras. A simple shelf style is most comfortable if she doesn’t need a lot of support but it will provide necessary modesty. Many girls start with this type of bra. If she doesn’t really need the support, a lacy camisole top as an undershirt would be a nice and feminine alternative.
Don’t try to put eye makeup on her because, as others have said, it’s hard to put on and take off and misapplication could lead to infection. I agree that a little lip gloss and concealer will go a long way. She might like perfume or lotion, too. Try getting her an anti-acne face wash and moisturizer like Clean and Clear or Neutrogena.
Finally, I bet she’d love to go to a salon for a good haircut and pedicure. And I don’t know what her wardrobe is like now, but early teens is about the age where most girls transition from kid clothes to trendier clothes, so she might enjoy getting some new outfits.
And really, this is a very ugly truth, but as someone who works with the disabled, I need to say it. Disabled people, especially non-verbal ones, are vulnerable to attack by sexual predators. Watch out for her as she grows older and more physically mature. I don’t think that helping her look pretty will make her more at risk, though – predators don’t prey on women because they’re pretty, they prey on women who are available.
I wear make-up according to my whim. Usually, no makeup. I have worked in retail, in jobs that demanded a full face of heavy make-up.
I find an eye-lash tint to be an excellent alternative to mascara, and I currently do that. I enjoy having facials, so I do that. I started waxing twenty years ago, and now “need” to wax once every 6 months, if I can be bothered.
I also recommend Kevin Aucoin’s “Making Faces”. It gives easy to follow directions for a range of make-up looks, from looks suitable for young women, to more dramatic looks.
I would think that a tinted moisturiser would be good, as well, even out the skin tone and help the condition of the skin. I’m in Australia, so cannot help you with specific brands, but here Revlon is a good, reliable brand that isn’t too pricey.
Good luck. My mum always taught me that the goal of make-up was to get people saying ‘Isn’t that a pretty girl?” not “What a good make-up job?” (I then became a goth in my twenties, so I might not have completely listened to that.)
I’m not a particularly girly girl but where I’m from, that’s not a bad thing. A lot of girls don’t wear any make up during the day past lipgloss, although I knew a few who mainly stick to liquid eyeliner. Pearlsky probably doesn’t need to bother with eyeshadow or anything like that but from my perspective, no makeup won’t make her look less feminine.
I do think a good skincare regime is a good idea, you can get some decent products made of teatree oil from the chemist, otherwise you can just go to the chemist’s or a big store like Myer and ask the women working for products for teenage skin. My mum used to do it all the time. If it’s less embarrassing for you, say that it’s a gift. That tends to smooth over any red faces over being a man in a predominantly women’s domain. Minimising acne probably is one area that most teenage girls care a lot about.
I agree with you about clothes choice. Just go to stores that cater to young women and buy what’s in. Even better, if you know or work with any women in their twenties, they might be able to help you pick and won’t potentially try to pull the wool over your eyes. I don’t know many girls who bare their midriffs during the day but anything bright or interesting on tshirt is probably a go.
The question about the legs might be a harder one for you. It may be easier for you to get her electrolysis but you probably should consider that most women wax their eyebrows and wax or shave their legs. Electrolysis is expensive but you only have to do it once, which will save you grief, since you would have to organise or do treatments yourself. If she is wearing shorts and has dark hair, hair-removal is pretty par for the course.
There’s no reason why you can’t highlight the beautiful parts of your daughter, on a personal level I feel you don’t need to use makeup for that. Makeup has the possible side-effect of getting in her eyes if she ever rubs them and you need to be careful to remove it. That said, she’s your daughter and if you think this is something that might help things for her, give it a crack. Best of luck.
The problem with a lot of beauty products–mascara, waxing, complicated facial stuff–is that it’s likely to be inconvenient for you and painful for her. Keep it simple, but make what you do count.
The best two things you can do to make her fit in and feel nice are to
1) take care of her skin
2) spring for a really nice haircut (and style her hair in simple, pretty ways)
For her skin, I’d get Mary Kay’s “Velocity” products; it’s one cleanser and one moisturizer, and it’s designed for teenage skin. Mary Kay also has a good acne gel. (I don’t mean to be shoving a particular brand at you, but it’s simple & I use it, so I know it works.)
For her hair, when you see a woman with good-looking hair, ask where she got it cut. A good stylist can help pick a style that will be pretty and easy to manage.
I think two braids always looks really pretty, or one down the back. I put my hair in a bun a lot, and I use barrettes. Pretty barrettes and hair clips go a long way.
I agree that nice camisoles with built-in bras are a good choice. Careful with underwire, it can hurt if it’s positioned incorrectly.
Fitted t-shirts look nice, and they don’t have to be tight to be have a shape. There are a lot of blouses I’ve seen lately made of t-shirt-like material but with a little more form, and those often look elegant.
Flowy patterned skirts can look gorgeous, but certain patterns/shapes become out-of-date. Yoga clothes tend to look good and be made of quality material. I recommend them most strongly.
I’d try nail/toenail polish and pink lipgloss for dressing up. Blush is easier to remove than eye makeup, and applying eye makeup can be danged painful. Earrings might also be painful; the studs could poke her head, and danglies might get caught on her hair.
When I was a CNA, I noticed that one of the things the old women commented on as their dementia worsened was how much they liked it when fabrics felt nice on their skin. No matter how out there they got, they still appreciated a thick cotton or a smooth satin.
Sorry, forgot to mention that I don’t think shaving her legs is too necessary, and Nair can burn a lot if the hair’s wiry or her skin’s sensitive.
An easier way for her to smell nice, rather than perfume, is to use a scented soap or shampoo. It’s not too strong, and it’s fruity- or flowery-smelling rather than seductive.
Have a good night, hope Pearlsky enjoys all her daddy’s doing for her! I think it’s wonderful.
Don’t bother with the shaving. Sunscreen and Retin A, the first in the morning and the second at night, are a woman’s best friend. Perhaps some blush on a special occasion.
wow you sure got a lot of input! Judging from the range of responses, it’s obvious that every woman is an individual and that it’s not one-size-fits-all. BUT – the cosmetic and fashion industries generate gazillions of dollars all to make woman feel pretty, sexy, attractive, confident, you name it….but is it applicable here? Who is it for, really??
As for the waxing – OUCH!
My two cents:
1. I wear mascara because my eyelashes are blonde, and my eyes look sort of “bald” without makeup. Looking at your gallery, I can see Pearlsky already has gorgeous thick eyelashes. I 2nd or 3rd the recommendation for just some tinted lip balm.
2. Clear healthy skin goes a long way towards making a woman feel beautiful. You may want to check out Paula’s Choice skin care – you can find cleansers and moisturizers for all skin types.
3. I also have to chime in on hair care – every woman I know takes care of her leg hair if they know they’ll be bare legged. Wet shaving with a razor may be difficult for you two, and needs to be done every 2-3 days in the summer to take care of stubble. Dry shaving with an electric razor is easier, but doesn’t really get that smooth effect of shaving. I’m surprised to see the backlash from some people against waxing… it’s really not very painful. Everyone has a different pain tolerance I suppose? There is an option called “sugaring” which is more natural, and less harsh on skin. I’ve been getting my bikini area sugared for going on 8 years now, I just pop an Advil an hour beforehand and it’s just fine… much easier than running a razor over that area twice a week! (I’m NOT recommending bikini waxes for Pearlsky – just legs!) As plumcake said, leg waxing should only be necessary every 3-4 weeks – that option may be easier and more effective for you. And supplementing with long flowy skirts when you can’t get to that maintenance.
4. Hanes.com has a great selection of comfortable affordable bras that are well-lined for no “show through” (t-shirt bras) but are not padded.
I also came over from Plumcake and Francesca’s site.
On the make-up question, my strongest reaction is that mascara is a definite NO! I’ve put mascara on other people (in theatre) and it is not easy even if the person it’s being applied to has incredible control over their body. The blink-and-flinch-away response to something approaching the eye is one of the strongest reflexive responses a human has.
Piercings — probably not. It hurts when it’s done; the care while the piercing is healing is time consuming and must be done carefully for proper healing, and even post earrings can get caught or snagged. Many post earrings also have posts that are long enough to poke into her neck when she’s laying down. If, at some point yo do decide to go the pierced ears route, studs and closed ring earrings are probably the best best
Lipgloss or colored lipbalm should be fine. If you get one that has a nice flavor, too, that’s even better.
Minimizing acne breakouts is a definite YES.
Shaving her legs for shorts or swimming — sure, an electric shaver will do the job and it’s almost impossible to cut with.
Nail polish is another “sure, if you think she’d like it”. A pedicure feels good as well as looking nice, and a manicure will last unless she really beats up her hands. Around here, a basic “change of color” is $3 to $5; it’s only when you start doing things like embellishments, airbrushing, or gels or acrylics that they get pricey.
It sounds like you’ve had a lot of good advice.
I wouldn’t bother with mascara; your daughter has nice eyelashes. I
would take care of the acne and maybe use a blush for a bit of colour. The most important thing, I think, is sunscreen.
I would try an electric shaver over any other methods. If she seems to like hairless legs then keep it up. I know some young teens who don’t bother to shave at all, and they don’t seem to care if the majority of women do.
A little tinted lipgloss is nice. Maybe she’d like scented lotions; they make me feel pretty.
Manicures can be fun and pedicures are fun and relaxing. Just make sure the salon is certified.
Unless they’re going out I don’t think most teens wear a lot of makeup.
I love bracelets; the sight of them makes me feel feminine and pretty.
Not much help, I’m sure but I thought I’d add my 2 cents.
Mostly, it should be fun and easy.
This is an interesting question. This is I what I think:
1. I think jeans and shirts are nice for teen girls. Layering thin long sleeved tops under short sleeve tees seem to be the style. Nothing wrong with sneakers, nice open toe sandals in the summer.
2. It’s been a long time since I was a teen, so I still think scents like Love’s Baby Soft is a nice beginner’s perfumce.
3. Nivea makes really good tinted lip balm.
4. I’m iffy on the leg shaving, because women tend to do it because it makes them feel uncomfortable. From what I can tell, your daughter doesn’t have an opinion. I suppose, in this case, it is what you find okay. (Personally, I shave my legs because my hair is dark and I don’t like it.)
5. If she has mild acne, you can use some over the counter acne products. Then an oil free moisturizer with an SPF. Skip the eye products. A light bronzer or blush is nice.
6. There’s also very cute costume jewelry at stores like Claire’s– clip on earrings, bracelets, etc.
I wear makeup because it’s fun to experiment with color and muck about, not because I generally care what other people think, nor do I do it because I want male attention. My standards are my standards. I never shave my legs, ever, because I don’t like to. I wear trousers pretty much every day. I wear eye shadow every day because I like it. I wear nail polish because I like it. I don’t wear lip gloss because I don’t like it.
In terms of your daughter….some of these things are higher maintenance regimes than others. Mascara is easy on/off. But nail polish isn’t always. Moisturizer with sunscreen is a skin health question that is another easy thing to do, as are just about any conditioning lip gloss.
I agree with what the general consensus on here is- but if she’s acne-prone, less makeup and other crap is much, much better. Minimize the acne through means of cleansers, etc., and maybe with the help of a dermatologist- don’t try and cover it up, and don’t pick at it. 1. If it’s bad acne, it’s painful, and it’ll go away sooner if exposed to the air and 2. Picking at it will scar. And scars aren’t fun.
It’s my own experience that many women, including myself, wear make-up and get gussied up as much for themselves and to impress other women as to impress men, or even more so. Or impress available women if they’re queer, or whatever.
Whatever you do end up choosing to do, make sure all make-up is off her face before bedtime. Even the sensitive skin friendly stuff isn’t great to leave on for more than 24 hours, and teenage skin just gets irritated by it. Mascara and eye make-up often entails harsher make-up removers to get off (especially mascara…ugh), so the simpler the make-up, the easier the clean up and the less lazy I get about it.
As someone in a previous comment said, if she’s a B cup or below, shelf-bra camis are a godsend. Quite simply, underwire can be intensely uncomfortable and hard to adjust even for those of us with full range of motion.
The make-up counters in department and drug stores often do free little make overs, especially for teen girls. If you phone ahead they can often book a free one for you, and while the expectation to buy is there, it’s not required. A place like Clinque is expensive to buy from, but getting advice from the make-up ladies is free and it’s a good place to start for women’s skincare if you don’t want to take her to a dermatologist.
The make-up counter might be good to see your daughter’s reaction to having make-up on and getting tips on applying it. If you do intend to do a daily routine with her, even if it’s just powder and lipgloss, it’s worth the investment for the high-quality powders from the department store. They last longer, they are higher quality, and barring super sensitive skin they’re usually easier on the face.
That being said, I haven’t read a lot of your blog and don’t know how your daughter would feel about having a stranger in a public place putting make-up on her, so…*shrug*
Since you asked…Since no one has any idea how much she understands, and it could be that she understands quite a bit, I think that you should treat her as much as you can like any other 16 year old girl. I would shave her legs during the summer when appropriate, i.e. when going out of the house in shorts or going swimming. I think that tinted lip gloss or chapstick (like Burt’s Bees) would be appropriate, but I don’t think that much else in the way of make-up is really necessary. She appears to have nice dark long lashes which is all that mascara really does anyway. I would do something about her break out issues, there are lots of great over the counter products. Good luck and best wishes!
Look at Olay make up remover pads, I find they work very well and help reduce the zit load. For hair removal try testing out (with a q-tip on a very small patch of skin) Nair. If Pearlsky doesn’t have a reaction, then you are down to once per week on the hair removal, rather than daily of every other day with any type of shaving. Try some powder mineral foundation for colour, it has the added benefit os some sun protection and it comes off more easily than many oil based liquid foundations.
You know, that is if you decide to go ahead with what you feel is appropriate.
All good questions! As a woman, the mother of a teenage girl and an almost teenage girl, and aunt of a disabled niece, I certainly have lots of thoughts on this topic!
So, most people have covered the acne issue and the bras. Basically, take care of the acne – she’ll be more comfortable and look nicer.
Your question is really why do women and girls take pains with their appearance? In general, I’d say it’s for themselves, or maybe in comparison with other girls and women. Certainly, for my 16-year old daughter, it’s entirely for the other girls and for herself – the boys don’t really notice any of the subtle fashion things she’s going for. She’s going for something that looks beautiful to her.
Things that matter to my 16-year old (who is very into fashion and has her own style): lovely hair, beautiful skin. She also wears eye makeup, but it takes a lot of practice to get it right on yourself and MUCH longer to get so you can put it on someone else. I wouldn’t bother with that. However, my daughter has lovely dark lashes and other girls often think she has mascara on when she doesn’t. It’s more of an issue for girls with fair hair. If she has acne flair-ups, she’ll put on concealer or a powder foundation before she goes out. That wouldn’t be hard for you to do and would definitely make her look better. My daughter would never leave the house without it. For a special occasion or treat, have someone put some makeup on her and give her a mirror, but make sure they stay around to take it off before bedtime!
Things that your daughter could wear that are fun and fashionable: brightly colored converse all-stars (except they don’t call them all-stars anymore). But they are bright, lace-up canvas shoes. My older daughter always has at least two pairs in different colors. Her younger sister was dying to get some when she started middle school. They have zero arch support, but sounds like that’s not an issue in a wheel chair!
Another thought: scent! My older daughter LOVES scents and has various things. Most girls her age can’t afford real perfume and really what she wants are the scented body butters, lotions, hand creams and body sprays. Especially if your daughter’s vision comes and goes, she may really love scent. I think that’s one of the oldest senses and is one of the first to develop during brain development. My daughter adores anything rose or lavender and both girls like a flavor called “satsuma”. You might try a few different ones on your daughter or in the air and see how she likes it. If she does, you could try creams vs lip balm etc. Often, at places like the Body Shop, they have little samples they give you when you buy something so you can try a different scent. My girls both like just going to the shop and smelling all the testers. your daughter might like that as a shopping trip if there’s a place like that near you.
My younger daughter (12) doesn’t wear makeup, but she does make sure her hair is washed, brushed and either down or braided. She also has stylish glasses. Again, she mostly takes care of her skin to get rid of the acne. She likes brightly colored jeans, t-shirts and fleeces. Oh, and she loves lip balm. Some have a slight color, some are a bit glittery and all have a scent.
My niece is not physically disabled, but is autistic and can’t really communicate much. She can say yes or no, so that’s a huge jump up, but she can’t tell you what she’s thinking (unless it’s a food word- she has a HUGE food vocabulary, but that may be because she’s also a Type I diabetic and it’s always restricted). But she does like looking pretty. I can tell because when she puts on a pretty dress she is happy and she likes to look in the mirror. When my brother (who had been a single dad to her for a number of years) recently got remarried, they bought my niece a beautiful pink silk dress for the wedding. she LOVED it. And months later she would sometimes say, just out of the blue – “pink dress!” And they would let her put it on and she would look in the mirror. My niece is 14, and the wedding was two years ago. She is a beautiful girl with pale skin and dark brown hair. She has not gotten into hair accessories (which she can’t see without a mirror), but she likes bracelets which she can see, and especially those that make a sound (tiny bell or something like that – but maybe that’s the autism). She also LOVES anything glitter. We know this because she spent about 2 hours of that wedding trying to peel the glitter off a great-aunt’s jacket… I bought her (my niece, not the great-aunt) some body lotion with glitter in it (go for a place that caters to young girls, like Claire’s) and she liked that too. And that’s something that girls will sometimes wear to give a little shimmer to their arms. She might also like the feel of the lotion.
so, anyway, you have more than enough suggestions here! You will just have to try a few on, and see which work for you and your daughter. good luck with it! and write back and tell us how it all works out.
forgot to mention – nail polish! In bright, crazy colors. Lime green or turquoise are a fav. never pink or red. The really bright colors my daughters favor seem to chip off really easily. So removal will probably not be much of an issue.
As a teenage girl myself (18), i can say, that i do know what it’s like to be raised by a single dad, and in the teenage year, we females can be a bit much for the old man to take if he’s doing it on his own. Suffice to say, my dad was a legend, and i’m sure you are to, so here’s some tips from a teen girl who was also raised by a Single Dad
– shaving of the legs is a great way to feel grown up without a drastic change, and without too much of a sting in the old wallet.
– nail polish on the old tootsies; looks cute, no matter what the colour (i’m a kiwi) is. a nice sky blue is always a winner
– printed t-shirts, come in a huge variety, and will pretty much never go out of fashion, same as, whatdya call them, cow girl shirts? ya know what i’m on about?? cotton ones are nice for summer
– toe rings! pimp out them toes, but don’t forget to take them off at night!!
– rings, bracelets and necklaces, need i say more?
– if you do want to do the makeup thing, mascara and lip gloss are all you need. moisturize her face at night, that’ll keep her skin pretty
i do hope this helps. i know my dad had a terror of a time with me, but i love him so much more because of it, and i guess the fact that i’m not fully dependent on him and am able to do things for myself, made it harder for him to disagree, cause i could fight back. good luck, and i’m sure that no matter what you decide, it will be a good decision.
Quick and easy “eyeliner” it looks like your daughter has full thick upper lashes. If you do not feel comfortable putting eye makeup on her (i sure wouldn’t want my dad near my eyeball with a pencil) get a lash curler put it as close to her eyelid (around her lashes) as she will let you, squeeze and hold for ten seconds. Then release and move up to about 3/4 of the lash length and repeat procedure for about five seconds. This ‘double curve’ curling gives the impression of eyeliner on the top lid and can really bring out a young lady’s eyes without risk of infection or the dreaded eye-poke.
So interesting the number of comments this post generated. I have nothing useful to add, except you are incorrect about Victoria’s Secret only selling bras with padding. Not true!